Have you visited my other blog yet?

Please do! I'm over here!

Merging Two into One

I've decided to go back to one blog, because I can't keep up with them both. From now on, you can find me here. It won't just be talk about eating. It'll be life in general. Follow me there if you care to - I'd like to keep it more simple for everyone!

A Sad Sad Day

A Short Break

I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for the last week. Long story short: I had some blood work done last week, and am awaiting the results of some tests that could reveal alot of things about me, particularly some of my weight issues, but we'll see.

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. And no matter how it all turns out, I think this may be the kick I needed to take care of myself!

Baby Steps (again)

My inspiration from vacation was short-lived. My transition back to work was completely brutal, and I've never been so frustrated in a working situation in my life.

I wake up most days feeling like i'm grabbing for something - but I don't know what. I can't keep a handle on work, and when I get home, I'm exhausted, and feel like i've been neglecting alot of things, including my husband, my house, and some of my friends and family.

One thing I have been doing is making an effort to take care of myself. I haven't been so good about planning my meals, but when I do eat them (and I'm really not snacking!), I am making good choices. I went to the gym Sunday and Monday night, and i am going back tonight -- i'm dressed and ready to go.

It's been a long time since i've put myself first, and i'm so fortunate that Chris has really pushed and supported that. He's picked up a lot of my slack. He's hugged me when I needed it, and he's been there to reassure me when i've woken up in a fit of tears and rage.

I'm taking it one day at a time, but trying my best to approach it while looking out for myself!

A GREAT Monday Night

So I skipped out on the gym tonight, because I was sore from the manual labor I did at work Saturday (YES, Saturday...all day!). but it was totally worth it. You can tell by the photo below of myself and Mr. Rashawn Ross - who is the coolest thing since sliced bread!

Back from Canada, Eh?

We returned around 9pm from an AMAZING trip to Canada. I will definitely elaborate later, but it was just fantastic, and i've really come back with a better attitude about a lot of things. I'm ready to tackle whatever comes at work, work through some of my work issues with a refreshed mind, and darnit if i'm not so inspired by the foods we ate on this trip that i'm itching to get in the kitchen and cook up some tasty healthy meals for us!

We have wonderful WONDERFUL friends who hosted us for five nights, and we did a couple of nights on our own as well. We haven't been on a week-long vacation since our honeymoon - and have decided it's now a mandatory to do that at least once each year, instead of a bunch of short vacations!

We're thinking of a trip in December - for my 30th. Originally we were going to have a party of some sort, but now we've got the travel bug. I'd love some ideas for destination ideas around Christmas that aren't over the top expensive!

Vay-Cay

We are heading north today for a glorious week of vacation. We're stopping tonight in Niagara Falls, and staying tomorrow at Niagara-on-the-lake. Wednesday we head to Toronto for five nights to see the city and visit with our friends Alex and Tracie.

I bought some super cute new things for my trip - and we bought a new car. This trip couldn't be more well-timed with things going on at work that are a disaster, and I really need this break!

I promise to return with a better outlook, and the will to work out again!

Hope you all have a great week!

When Bad Days are...well...REALLY Bad.

In an attempt from saving myself from being dooced, I have really been mindful of my mentions of the working environment i spend so much time in. I have not mentioned how stressful, frustrating and overall mind-numbing the last year has been for me.

Nor have I mentioned my strategy around it...much. And I still can't.

My point here is that things have gone from bad to worse. A three-person team, has dwindled to a one-person team - ME. I'm the weakest link. The last man standing. The lone ranger. And I am happier than you can imagine for the other two team mates who have busted out.

It SUCKS though. I can't even express how bad it is for me at work right now. And for those of you who think about food like I do, it might illustrate my mental state when I mention that I don't find the time to eat. I don't care about eating, and I've been spending my free time drinking beer or sleeping.

So if I don't post as often as I should (or would like), understand that I am working to get myself out of the situation I am in. Send some good thoughts my way!

AAAAAAAAAAnd Again!

Chris and I returned last night from a long visit with his parents in the 'burbs of Chicago. I knew this would be a tough trip for me with food. I had no clue that it would be impossible though! It really really was.

Usually when we visit with them, we make at least one day trip where we spend a day on our own. We also usually find something to do during the day on our own, because they usually don't want to leave the house. So we'll have lunch on our own, etc. That stuff didn't happen this time. I did get out a bit and went shopping (and spent money I really didn't need to spend just to get out for awhile), but Chris had decided he wanted to stay there mostly, to try to talk with his parents a bit, in an attempt to work on a relationship that has been very broken for many many years. But I won't go into all that.

The point is that they didn't serve (by my standards) a single vegetable the whole time we were there. I tried to eat in moderation, but it's so hard not to feel awful about it all when I'm sitting here having eaten things like potato salad, baked beans, deviled eggs, breakfast sausage, potato chips (as a side dish for dinner - UGH) for four straight days. Seriously - the only thing that came close to a vegetable that was served was cole slaw. In FOUR DAYS. On Thursday, I went to Trader Joe's and bought the fixin's for a fruit salad. Chris and I were the only ones who ate it. But we devoured it over two days. Chris even commented last night that he didn't realize how much i've changed our diets over the last couple of years because he missed the veggies too.

The dreaded weigh-in was this morning. I'm up two pounds. I could cry.

Today is all about detox. I don't want an ounce of meat. Or artificial sweetener. Or anything that's heavy on starch. This is all veggies all the time!

Luckily, I have today off from work, too. Here's my short to do list for the day:

Weed the vegetable garden
Take the dog for a walk
Go to the gym!
Go to the grocery store
Go to Lowe's to buy ceiling fan, look at paint swatches and buy wallpaper removal stuff
Read/Relax

The week STARTED well...

...and it ended on a low note!

I did so well all week with eating. I was walking the dog every day, and hardly even snacking or feeling hungry because I was too busy to think about it. I even managed to find time to plan out my lunches so I was staying on track.

And then the weekend rolled around. It started Friday night when I suggested we get soft serve ice cream. Then Saturday, after our street sale (and I managed to say "no" to hotdogs, doughnuts and lemonde!) we had our street party. I had a bratwurst. And a cookie (it was vegan, but it was still very much a fattening thing! And some heavenly granny smith apple salad with snickers and coolwhip mixed in. It wasn't awful, since I hadn't eaten much all day. But then my neighbor brought out a carton of strawberry whoppers, and a carton of chocolate whoppers. And I proceeded to eat them and eat them and eat them. Sunday, too. Only Sunday i finished off two bowls of that apple salad in addition and then ate my way around the local Greek Festival.

*SIGH* I don't know how this happens to me. And I was even thinking while I was doing it how mad at myself I would be.

But today's a new day! I weighed in today at the same weight as last week, thank goodness, and i've made solid choices today. I even told Chris he should take our friend Adam to the Reds' game so I could go work out.

Here's to another week of staying on target and remaining that way!

Oh Excercise, I Miss You!

Life continues to be crazy, and this week is no different.

My eating really has been okay this week. I probably haven't had nearly enough vegetables, but I'm drinking lots of water and not snacking carelessly between meals. I've packed my lunch and planned my dinners except for yesterday - when I left my purse at home and begged Chris to meet me to take me out to lunch. Even then, I had turkey and cheddar on wheat with a side of fruit salad - not bad!

I haven't had the time to exercise AGAIN this week, except for my morning walks with the dog. I've been busy trying to get my house under control. It's a total mess, and we're having a party here on Saturday...kind of all day, starting with our Garage sale in the morning.

I really don't think i'll get to the gym before Sunday...does cleaning and laundry count for exercise! There just aren't enough hours in the day!

Weekly Recap

I did very well last week, I think.

I didn't manage much time for exercise at the gym, but I did take at least one walk (sometimes two) with the dog every day. I made it to the gym once. And though I had the time yesterday to go to the gym, I was (and still am) very sore from the yardwork I did on saturday for about 3 and a half hours.

I was trying really hard to approach this differently. I don't want to count every little thing I put into my mouth. I'm trying to make good choices about what i'm putting in my mouth. I want to realize when I'm actually HUNGRY, and not just bored, tired or stressed out. I think I did a pretty good job of that.

Saturday, we went to a family party where my uncle grilled burgers and "tube meat." I gave up beef several months ago, and found the other choices too fattening. So I had a huge salad, some baked beans and potato salad. Before dinner while everyone else was filling up on chips, dips, cookies and brownies, I had a small rice krispy treat and two hand fulls of carrots. And then a very small brownie after dinner.

Yesterday we had dinner at my Grandma's. She's a fantastic cook. We had grilled pork tenderloin, asparagus, salad, rolls and (my favorite) mashed potatoes. I only ate until I was full and I stopped. I didn't go back for seconds on the potatoes, and I passed up the cheesecake for dessert. It was still a big and dense meal.

When I weighed in this morning, I had lost two pounds for the week. And I'm VERY satisfied with that!

On tap for this week's goals:

Drink more water!
Strategize eating for this weekend's street party and Thursday's happy hour

On Self-Control

I've been thinking alot lately about self-control and about willpower.

I have such a hard time willing myself to eat healthy and exercise, and an even harder time with willing myself to stick with it.

In every other aspect of my life i've always held back. I've always been afraid of losing control, but somehow it's food that i find the most comfort in letting myself go completely.

I come from a family of drinkers. I hesitate to say alcoholics, mostly because I'm probably not ready to admit that. But I knew at a very early age that I never wanted to need to drink like my parents and sibling and so many others in my family do. Don't get me wrong, I like a cold beer, a really dry glass of wine, and the occasional margarita or martini. But even in my most comfortable of situations, I rarely let myself get drunk. My husband can probably count those times on one hand in 6 years of being together. These addictive tendencies are hereditary though, right?

When I was still single, I held back tremendously with those I dated. With sex, with commitment in some aspects and with really letting people "in."

I was never one to experiment with drugs much (and hey - i went to art school and lots of phish and DMB shows!). I never got wild and went to parties. But food -- food was always there, and I have always been willing to let loose and find comfort in that. When I have a bad day at work, I have always turned to food instead of hobbies, exercise, entertainment, or even a beer.

It's just something interesting i've been mulling over about myself. I think that in the six years that i've been with my husband, I've really changed in a lot of ways. I was a total introvert in so many situations. I was afraid to do alot of things alone, though my stubbornness never let that side of myself show too much. He's brought me out of my shell in a lot of ways, and the funny part is that he's a pretty introspective person himself.

I don't hold back anymore on things so much out of fear, but by choice, and I'm hoping that as my own self continues this evolution, I'll continue to find ways to channel my comfort needs into other things, and to control my urges where food is concerned. I know that a big part of this journey is about recognizing my own behaviors and learning to change them. And I think this is a good start.

Feels Good to Exercise!!

I rocked the gym tonight. My great return after almost a month not going. I've used every excuse in the book, including exercising in other ways, but it was long past time for me to get back.

It was awesome. I wish I could remind myself of this every time I sit around dreading going there. And I especially hope I can remember this tomorrow night after sushi with my friends. I feel so good. I'm breathing easier, and that cheddar popcorn I had earlier isn't so bad anymore now that I've given myself the chance to work it off!

Hooray for the gym!

I can DO this!

:)

I feel really good about my day today. I made wise choices for food. I planned my eating in advance, I took a nice long walk (boy it's been gorgeous outside), and I'm getting ready to go to bed nice and early tonight.

It's amazing what a difference a day can make!

Now it's time for me to pack my lunch for tomorrow and get settled into bed with a book! What a great day!

If at first you don't succeed...

Last week could have gone better with my eating. I never wrote about it here because I was pretty down on it all. I didn't make it to the gym a single time. I only got out to walk the dog twice. My eating wasn't awful, but it wasn't very good either. By the time Friday rolled around, I found myself downing a bowl of fresh guacamole and chips and drinking two powerful margaritas.

It was all stress, and i need to learn, as I've said many times before, to channel that differently. Yesterday I tried on a pair of capris that I bought last year and couldn't get them buttoned. It made me break into tears. This morning I got on the scale, and my weight is back to where it was on New Year's day. My 9 pounds is all back.

Today went really well though. I had lots of veggies - broccoli with lunch, corn and a salad with dinner. I had lots of fruit - a nectarine with breakfast, watermelon with lunch, strawberries after dinner. My only splurge was the baked cheetos after I went to the grocery store (which I didn't need in the first place).

Quinn (my dog if I haven't mentioned his name before) and I went for a nice long walk this evening after I got back from the grocery store. I spent $109 and change at Meijer tonight. I stocked up on some things and I feel set for the week. I am limiting myself to only eating out on Thursday night with my girlfriends for sushi, and Chris has agreed to stay in with me and not suggest eating out this weekend. So i'm set for some pretty interesting meals. I bought a pork tenderloin filet, and plan to make a Morrocan spice rub for it. I've got bok choy, tofu and fresh farmer's market asparagus for an amazing stir fry. I bought ground turkey and have the ingredients for fresh salsa - thank you again farmer's market - so we'll be having tacos this week.

We have dog training on the agenda for tomorrow night, but i'm slated for the gym Wednesday and Thursday nights (no sushi for me unless I promise to work out that night!).

I'm back. And I'm trying hard. And knowing that I have a network of friends out there doing the same is really helping me - thanks to all of you whose blogs keep me inspired!

5 Things

According to Fat Bridesmaid, I’m supposed to tell you 5 things that you may not know about me.
I always have trouble with these things for some reason, but I will give it my best shot.

Thing 1: My very first job ever was at a convent. I went to a Catholic school, and the meanest old nun in the school recommended me for the job. It was the best job ever. I did my homework and answered the phones when they rang. And they hardly every rang. I sure wish that was my job now, some days. I could be writing the great American Novel or something while I worked!

Thing 2: I have only one sibling who I don't get along with very well. And I wish I did. Honestly, most times that I do spend time with him I don't like him very well. If we weren't siblings i'm sure we wouldn't be friends. And I mention this to say that I really wish that I knew how to remedy the broken relationship that we have. I really really have tried.

Thing 3: I stay in contact with people to a fault. My kindergarten best friend and I still have lunch a few times a year. My high school art teacher came to my wedding. I still email the little girls I babysat so much as a teenager. I even keep in touch with some of the people I dated before I was married. It all baffles my husband, who has three very very good friends, and just doesn't expand his social network much otherwise.

Thing 4: My favorite movie of all time is Benny and Joon. It's kind of weird and quirky and Johnny Depp is amazing in it.

Thing 5: I have never been able to do a cartwheel in my life. I'm so uncoordinated and I think that's a big reason why, but not even as a kid, in tumbling classes, could I do one.

Tagging: Jen, Shayna, Sarah, Rach

When it rains it pours!

Somehow when I try to start fresh on my eating, I have the worst most stressful days. I don't get it.

Yesterday was a doozie, and today's not starting out any better.

I stayed on track yesterday, save for some Pita chips that I shouldn't have eaten, but I didn't get to eat my lunch yesterday because work was so busy.

Today, i'm already on track for doing the same. And on top of it, I have to hire a new temp because my current temp help found another job, thinking we wouldn't need her any longer (but not bothering to ask me, of course!). Ugh.

So frustrated today!

My own two month challenge!

After several weeks of really not knowing how to get serious about my eating because of endless weeks of crazy commitments, work, and social happenings, i'm back and ready to go.

I am officially trying REALLY hard not to plan up my evenings, and instead penciling in time for workouts, meal planning, and mental health.

My goal is to lose 15 pounds before we go to Toronto on the 22nd of July. That's six weeks away. I sure hope I can do that. And I'd like to be 20 pounds down by mid-August. I'll be sure to update regularly, but I don't FEEL good these days. And I need to find more energy, fit into my clothes better and just generally feel better about myself.

Here's to yet one more try!

WOW!

I am back from one of the most fantastic experiences of my professional career in Omaha, and my wonderful, sweet and thoughtful husband took me to see Sex and the City, which he knew I wanted so badly to see.

What a rollercoaster. I LOVE LOVE LOVED this movie. I was still crying 20 minutes AFTER the movie ended. It's just really resonating with me.

What did everyone else think? I'm dying to dish, but I won't ruin it for anyone. I love those girls (and Jennifer Hudson, too!).

Oh Yeah...Funny Story!

Last Friday night I went out with friends for happy hour as I waited for my friend Chelsea to get into town from Salt Lake City.

When she arrived, I was still at the bar, so she came to meet me. We walked over to a nearby restaurant in hopes of finding some food. It was pretty late - 11pm, but Chelsea was still on SLC time and hadn't had dinner.

We walked in, and of course the kitchen had closed at 10:30. So we sat down and had a drink and caught up. We were laughing and having a good time. And we also got into some very serious conversation on marriage.

And in walks Craig. The fella I mentioned last week that made me so angry because he wouldn't acknowledge me. And he did the same thing all over again. But this time it made me laugh. Uncontrollably. He is stupid, and immature, and I just don't care. And maybe it was that i'd had a couple of drinks, but I felt good about myself, and I didn't care that we were the ONLY other people in the bar besides him and his friends and he pretended not to know me.

Just thought i'd share. This world we live in is too small sometimes!

Somewhere in Middle America

Well I'm headed to Omaha for a conference tonight after work until Sunday afternoon.

I've been MIA because i've been taking some time for myself, just like I promised in the 10-day challenge!

I'll be back on Monday!

When I Feel Invisible

I don't mean for this to seem like a downer of a post - but it really might. I'm honestly just pretty angry.

Long backstory short (sorta): I had a friend in high school. My best friend. She was an exchange student from Indonesia. We don't talk anymore. She literally dropped off the face of the earth, stopped returning my calls, etc. We were friends as she moved to Honolulu, then to Pittsburgh, and right around the time I got married she stopped returning phone calls for no reason at all. Last I heard from her host family, she was in Texas somewhere, and wouldn't return their calls either. And I realize she wasn't really a friend. She was just always out for herself. It took me a long time to realize that, and not think it was something I did.

Anyway, she had a boyfriend in high school/early college. He and I became buddies too. She broke his heart, much like she broke mine, just after about 3 years, instead of 8. Well he's worked in restaurants in town for the last 5 or so years, and I've seen him out and he's been super weird with me, but we have talked in the past, though briefly.

Tonight I went for drinks at a swanky new(er) restaurant downtown with two girlfriends. And he totally ignored me. Pretended he didn't know me. I caught him looking at me more than 3 or 4 times, and he'd turn his head quickly. What's the deal?

Nothing inside of me could make myself walk up to that bar he was tending, or call out his name as he walked by to clear the table next to mine. Something in me just feels invisible when stuff like this happens, and I get so insecure about being "the fat girl."

I HATE it.

And I'm ANGRY. But not at myself - so that's real progress. I don't understand people who can pretend not to know someone they were friends with. And I know he was very hurt by my former friend, but that wasn't my fault. She hurt me, too.

Just...UGH!

Reasons I love my Husband for this Morning

1. He went out and bought new wiper blades for my car and installed them in the pouring rain last night.

2. He's my biggest cheerleader, and pushes me to believe in myself.

3. He told me this morning he had a dream we were having a baby, and it is still making me smile!

4. He's supportive and thoughtful and the nicest person I have ever met.

5. He talks in the funniest voice to our dog and it just melts me!

Day 1: Taking Care of Myself

Yesterday, as most days seem to be, was crazy for me. After work I had several errands to run, including: picking up my new glasses (yay!), picking up milk and yogurt at the grocery store, figuring out dinner (I cheated and picked up a pizza - but we haven't had pizza since December!), and going to see Chris' grandparents. I was also supposed to design letterhead and #10 envelopes for my cousin's campaign for judge and make some edits on a web site that i'm designing with my friend Lisa (my very first!).

Well I was a total task master, and got it all done except for the site edits, which I just told Lisa i'd finish up tonight. We even stopped and got ice cream to take to Chris' grandparents. And yes, I indulged in that, too.

We got home around 9, and I was all done with everything on that list in under four hours. I was very proud. So from 9pm on - was ME time.

I took the time to lay out an outfit for myself today, and iron what I wanted to wear. And I feel fantastic today just wearing something that I feel GOOD in. I have an important meeting this afternoon, so I'm ready to tackle that. I also made myself a very GOOD lunch that's high in protein and veggies.

Then I laid down and read a book for a half hour. I never get to read anymore. It was fantastic!

Small steps, I know - but every little bit helps!

STARTING NOW!

I'm participating in Krissie's 10 Day Challenge. Here's what I've promised to challenge myself with:

I've been thinking about this all day. I think it's a great challenge.

I think the hardest thing for me these days is taking time for myself. And I know if I did that, I'd eat better, sleep more, and exercise.

So that's what i'm vowing for the next 10 days: Taking Care of myself!

I will post each day on how i'm doing that - STARTING TODAY!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

Who Doesn't LOVE Free Stuff?

Scale Junkie is giving away a free bike. Check it out. I entered myself today. HOORAY!

Okay, WHY am I hungry again?

I went out to lunch today. I had a grilled chicken skewer with rice pilaf, a salad and hummus and pita bread. I felt satisfied when I left there at 12:45. An hour later i'm feeling hungry again.

Time to hit the water, i think. But I need to hold off on snacking for at least another hour!

I'm sure it's just my body readjusting to eating like crap for the last two days. But man, does this stink!

A Bad BAD Eating Day.

I've eaten alot of crap today. Lots of chocolate, and even McDonalds. Chips, regular coke. Ugh.

I can't help it. I'm an emotional eater. We've had quite the day. Chris' grandparents' house caught on fire around 1:30 today, and they lost almost everything. There were a few things salvaged from the first floor (where his brother lives with his kids). But even worse, at this point the firefighters suspect arson. But the good news is that everyone is okay!

I've never seen anything like what I saw today.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day food wise. And obviously, a better day all around for the family.

Food for Thought

This has been floating around several blogs lately and has the potential to give you some insight about why you eat when/what you do. Just some food for thought...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
Anything with cheese or chocolate.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Evenings mostly. When I have down time, or am just too busy to really think about what's going in my mouth, and too tired to really put forth the effort.

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Many times i'm upset or angry. Or i'm just exhausted from the amount of energy it requires to portion and make good choices. I often find myself with a very "fuck it" kind of attitude, and think "just a little more of this (insert item I shouldn't be eating here) won't hurt for just one day." Then it just keeps spiraling, unfortunately.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I don't think I have a binge eating disorder, but I do think I have an addiction. Addictions run in my family with alcohol and tobacco. I've managed to avoid those two addictions, but food is what I replace it with.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?
I don't want it to sound like I blame my parents for my weight, because I don't. But I believe it all started when we moved into the house I mostly grew up in. We had lots of space with a private drive, but nobody to play with. My brother and I have always been so different that playing with him was never the most attractive option. I could never ride my bike to a friends' house. I was never allowed to take a walk alone, and it was rare that my Mom would go with me. So my childhood experience really lacked the means to get myself in an active lifestyle. I opted instead to read so much that my Mother would FORCE me outside to play, or watch TV whenever my parents weren't home, or whenever I was otherwise allowed (which is alot).

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
I really can only blame myself. I make the choice to put foods in my mouth. I make the choice to skip the gym, or go out to lunch when I should eat what i've packed.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I'm lazy. I always have been. And we were kind of poor when I was a kid, and I never took to vegetables because we always had things like corn or peas out of a can or frozen from a bag. They only way my Mom could ever get me to really want to eat them was in a cream sauce or in a cheese sauce. I am only now beginning to like vegetables - because i buy and use them fresh.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Usually. I always played sports. And i really have made an effort to work out at a gym since college. It's just not always part of my regular routine.

10. What made you finally want to change?
I'm not sure I fully have changed. I have a long way to go. I'm tired of looking around and wondering if i'm the fat girl in the room. I'm tired of shopping and never even trying on what i'd REALLY like to wear because I know it won't look good, or worse, it doesn't even come in my size. I'm tired of the cracks people make - perfect strangers - if I unintentionally upset someone while driving and I hear them yell "you fat (insert expletives here)" like I heard from mean mean kids growing up.
More importantly, I want to have children, and I don't want my children to struggle with this problem. I want to have healthy pregnancies, and I want my children to learn how to balance exercise and nutrition so they don't make the mistakes I did!

Joining The Veggie Parade?

I've been seriously seriously considering removing meat from my diet.

I've really worked hard in the last couple of years to buy meat from local sources at the farmer's market to lower the environmental impact and strive to buy things that are hormone free and locally raised. I concentrate my purchases mostly on an amish poultry stand, as well as a butcher that smokes its' own pork products.

Now, I really do like the taste of meat. Particularly bacon, ham and chicken. I like tofu, beans and other forms of protein, but the meat subsitutes just don't do it for me, even though I can do seitan in chili!

These days when I look at meat or eat it, i'm getting really grossed out, and I think of all the energy that went into what i'm eating.

I'm so conflicted about it.

I know that I will get a LOT of guff from my family, but mostly from Chris' family, if I remove meat from my diet. They already think i'm some kind of crazy liberal anyhow. His grandma will flip out. I know it. They already have a hard enough time with me not eating red meat.

And then I think of the things I can't eat if I limit myself that way. I know it would probably benefit my health in so many ways, but I also know how much of my own social life and family life in which that will limit me.

Decisions, Decisions!

Oh the Anticipation!

I can't wait to see the results of this week's pedometer challenge! I think I did pretty well this week since on Wednesday I logged over 10 miles! I was on a trip to Madison, Wisconsin and had some hours to burn on Wednesday afternoon. Well burn, I did! It was a gorgeous, sunny 80 degree day. I did some exploring, met my friend for dinner and my uncle for after-dinner drinks. What a fabulous day!

It's been a busy busy past five days. With a whirlwind trip and some other family issues going on, I really had a nice (and somewhat emotional) time off. I'm totally procrastinating getting back into work, too! I ate well, and last I had checked, I lost the 3 pounds i've gained over the last few weeks. If I can keep up with the exercise regimen, and making good food choices, I think I can keep the momentum of not counting points, making wise choices and only eating until i'm full.

I unpacked most of my summer clothes this weekend and two pairs of capris I couldn't wear at the end of last season did fit. That's a good sign. I'm eager to keep going.

I had the realization this morning in my car that i'll be 30 in about 7 months. I promised myself I'd be 40 pounds lighter on my 30th birthday than on my 29th. So I have about 30 pounds to go. Time to get crackin!!

Anxiety!

I am really really stressing about some life decisions and some important things happening this week. So far, i've done really well channeling that into exercise in the last two days.

That is all!

The Good and The Bad

I guess i'll start with the bad here, so I can end on the good!

I had grand plans to go to the gym this morning. I went to bed at 10pm, set my alarm for 5:20, had my gym clothes ON, my ipod, shoes, glasses and water bottle set out and ready to go. And this morning at 5:20 am? I reset my alarm for 7 am. I guess i'll be going tonight instead!

I can say that the good part is the reason for the bad though!

I have a new cousin! And my phone started ringing off the hook at home, and the text messages were flying from 11pm - 1am. My youngest uncle who is only four years older than me (he's younger than Chris!), and his wife Bridget had their second child last night. Their first will be two in July (Eddie). So they really are going to have their hands full!

The reason our phone rang off the hook is that everybody in the family (my aunt, my grandma, my brother and my uncle) all wanted us to know that they named him William Henry - after my Dad! At first it made me a little upset. Chris and I have talked a lot about naming a son William someday. My Dad sure has been a big influence in my life. But they sure did beat us to it! And I'm really really happy that my Dad has this honor. My uncle actually texted me to say that he hoped I wasn't mad at him for the name. I couldn't be happier though!

HOORAY!

I made it back to the gym tonight after a long hiatus - and I feel awesome!

I walked the dog before I went, and that fresh air really helped me. I did 40 minutes of cardio, and lower body weights. I came home feeling energized and breathing easier.

Isn't it amazing what a workout can do for you? Tomorrow my plan is to work on designing a web page - my first ever. And to pilates, and make a good tofu/veggie stirfry.

I realize that if I can just keep up my workout regimen I WILL lose weight. My eating isn't perfect, but it isn't awful either. I did pretty good today, with the exception of some cheez-its right before the gym. As long as I keep my fridge stocked with healthy snacks and meal options, i'm doing alright. For me, it's all about pre-planning and keeping up the workouts!

Happy Monday!

A Fun Friday Night!

All eating talk aside (because it wasn't good), I had a fabulous night out with friends from work on Friday night. We had a happy hour for my friend Christine, who has moved onto our IS department. Afterwards, six of us rented a two-bedroom suite downtown and had a very girly slumber party. It was lots of fun.
Here are a couple of photo highlights:


Chris arrives to join the fun. We had hardly seen each other all week!


My two favorite people from the office!



The unstoppable (former) design team!

Things on the Horizon

I realize i'm pretty elusive when it comes to things in my life about work, goals, kids, etc on this blog. I wish I could share more of what I've got going on sometimes, but I'm so afraid of who might stumble across the thing. Family, coworkers, etc. I don't have my last name attached to this blog, and when I google myself, my blogs don't come up like my original blog did, which i retired a couple of years ago now.

I wonder if there's any sort of way to protect myself. I guess I can password protect the site. But that's no fun, either. I love finding out there's someone new reading along.

I guess if something really BIG happens, i'll announce it here, but until then, i'll continue to be a bit indirect. ;)

Pampering Myself

I don't get haircuts nearly as often as I should. I'll admit it. Having naturally curly hair, I just tend to let it go, because it's really hard to tell.

Chris encouraged me yesterday to do something nice for myself, because I have some things on the horizon that are stressing me out and exciting me all at the same time, and he felt like i needed it. And I do.

So today, I paid a visit to lovely lovely Muna. And she cut and flat-ironed my hair, which I always love. Here's the cheesy photo booth shot for y'all.



I took the 23rd-25th of April off of work, for some of these things on the horizon, and I scheduled a manicure for the morning of the 23rd. I can't wait!

I've been making really good food choices all this week, but I have to admit, that the weather's been too nice to go to the gym. I've been spending time outside in the fresh air, walking the dog. It's been awesome. I know i'm not burning the calories I should, but I'm sleeping like a baby, and that makes all the difference.

Pilates tonight though! And back to my workout routine for sure this weekend. Next week I haven't scheduled a single thing for myself after work, and I plan to plan and cook good healthy meals and work out!

Cleveland LOVES Don Henley

We had a really really fun weekend in Cleveland. And to qualify my headline (my husband will be proud!), we heard Don Henley/The Eagles all over the place up there. After a long drive up there Friday night, we went to bed around midnight, only about 45 minutes after we arrived.

Saturday morning, I had to be up to be at a 9am photo shoot about 45 minutes from my friends' house, where we were staying. I was quite a nervous wreck about the whole thing, and didn't sleep really well. I worried for nothing, because it all went really well, and I was back to our friends' house by noon.

We left for lunching at the Willoughby Brewing Company. It was excellent. Kelly and I split a portobella wrap and fries, and our boys each got their own personal heart attacks on a plate. Afterwards we went bowling. We had a blast. I realize I am totally immature by starting this, but it sure made the day fun. We started the "that's what she said" game. By the end of the second game of bowling, my sides hurt from laughing. It's way too easy when you're bowling especially. For example, Frank said "man, I just can't seem to find the right spot with this ball." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!

Okay, maybe it was funnier if you were there!

We also went out to dinner that evening, and I fared well with king crab legs and a salad. Then came dessert. And Chris refused to share his. Yes, they were that good. So I ordered my own and made everyone share it with me. For the record - it was one of the best cheesecakes i've ever had.

Sunday we drove back early, so Chris and I could both attend separate evening engagements that I won't even go into.

Today though? I'm in my points range. I walked the dog tonight, and i'm heading to the gym. I'm going to the grocery store afterwards to stock up on some food for the week. I'm going to have a great week. I can feel it!

On another note: I found out that Chris is apparently reading this blog from time to time. But I bet he's too shy to say hello!

Don't give up on me, i'm trying!

I'm going to take a hiatus for a few days, because i'll be traveling this weekend for work.

But i'll be back Monday. And I'll be positive and ready to go. I promise. I can't beat myself up every day anymore! Please hang in there with me.

Somehow knowing that people are reading this is encouragement. It keeps me accountable, and it keeps me going on this journey. And I really appreciate the comments, the insight and the kind words when I get them!

I had a good day today. And I am not talking about eating. I sent off a BIG concept presentation today. I got to go to IKEA. I had a good board meeting tonight and saw a friend passing by tonight whom I just adore - and who always just knows how to make me feel good about myself by just smiling at me!

I have such a little girl crush on this guy (that my husband knows about). I am excited for Chris and I to get to know him more - hopefully soon. I'm still working up the nerve to ask he and his partner out for dinner sometime - even though in his last email to me, he signed off "I adore you," so I think he'd probably enjoy the company, too. Here's to new friends!!

New Motivation? I sure hope so!

I just saw some photos of myself from a couple of weeks ago and was horrified. This was from an event I hosted for my professional organization, and I felt really good about myself that day. I look at them now, and I want to cry. I just don't understand how I got here sometimes, and it's so funny how i see myself so differently than the camera does.

Sleeping last night helped me a LOT. I need to get back on the horse today at the gym, and watch my eating carefully. It's tiring though. I feel like i'm in a constant war with myself. Every single day, and every time I put something in my mouth!

Recap of a fun weekend!

Wow, I have been MIA from this blog.

I really have been trying to think of something meaningful to say here. I realize I put too much pressure on myself to be entertaining in this arena though.

Chris and I had a really fun fun weekend. I made good food choices for the most part. We ate out entirely too much though, and I realize that's the root of most of my problems and why the scale seems to be stuck. It's something I need to work on. We have been cutting back on our spending, and we've been surprisingly successful at that - we've just had an abundance of free meal offers lately, and that can be hard to pass up!

Yesterday, after I weighed in (at the SAME weight - after three nights in a row of eating out, but having worked out 4 times last week - yay me), we spent the day downtown for Reds' opening day festivities.

It was a day of over consumption. I must have had 6 or 7 beers and two margaritas. Along with a veggie burger, chips, potato salad a slice of pizza and waffle fries. Boy oh boy. I feel like i'm in full-fledged detox mode today. On the upside, we rode the bus yesterday, so we walked a LOT, and i'm sure we got in some good calorie-burning offsets there! At least for a beer or two.

Today I woke up feeling like hell from what I hope is just my allergies - and not a head cold. I'm too beat to go work out, and i'm not sure if I should. I plan to do a little cooking to plan some meals for tomorrow, follow-up on some email, and then lay in bed. Sounds nice doesn't it? I feel terribly guilty though. I know I should work out. Or clean my house. Or work out. Ugh.

On the up side of things - I sucessfully worked under 45 hours last week. That won't be the case this week since I have to travel and work this weekend, but I do plan to work my alloted hours, and just tell my boss what I can't get done in that time. Not only am I severely burnt out, the HVAC system in my office is being replaced, and it has been (no lie!) 87 stagnant degrees in my office for a few weeks. I'm done torturing myself in more ways than one at that place!

Mid-Day Snack Update!

I brought fresh mozzarella, grape tomatoes and lite balsamic vinaigrette for a mid-afternoon snack today.

I just wanted you all to know that it was HEAVENLY!

Oh the fried pickles!

I had a fantastic time at dinner with Andrea last night. We caught up for over three hours and talked about a lot of stuff...thankfully, most of it was not work related!

Regardless, I had about 10 points left when I went in there for dinner. I ordered a Leffe (a wonderful belgian beer). Andrea ordered fried pickles. I wanted to punch her and kiss her at the same time. One became three. My good word. How do I count those?

I stuck to the plan on the sandwich - mostly. They didn't have wheat bread (huh?). So I ordered it as is with slaw instead of fries. It came out and was gigantic. It was cut in half, and I strategically chose the smaller half and took the top piece of foccacia off. It was good, and it filled me completely. I didn't even touch the slaw. When I got home, Chris devoured what was left.

Pilates didn't happen. But a long walk with the dog this morning did. It's a small victory.

Andrea and I are going to get drinks tonight around 8pm with some other friends. I want to get out of the house so Chris can study. I have promised myself only one beer, and that I WILL go to the gym and at least do cardio beforehand.

Back on track...well, mostly!

I did really well yesterday, and I feel back on track. I made good choices. I had lunch out with a vendor and two coworkers yesterday, and I chose the vegetarian special on the menu, which was quite tasty. It had a Korean flare to it. Lots of veggies, pan-fried tofu, cellophane noodles. It was yummy.

For dinner I made turkey burgers and salad. And I had a chocolate chip cookie for dessert. I made them on Saturday and didn't even try one before I gave all but 5 of them away. Chris ate the other four we kept.

This morning, I got up and went to the gym. I totally rocked the elliptical for 30 minutes, and I have plans to do pilates tonight. The gym was really really humid this morning. I don't know what it was. But I skipped out on weights, and figured i'd work my abs tonight instead. On the way home from the gym, I stopped at the store to pick up a few things to pack lunches this week. Chris made some really good coffee this morning, so i've had that. But I did also have a handful of jelly beans. I should have just had a real breakfast. I'm not hungry right now, but I am looking forward to lunch with my cousins Jerry and Joe where I plan to have a hummus, veggie and smoked gouda sandwich with fruit salad. I LOVE this coffee shop that we're meeting at. There are lots of healthy options for eating!

Tonight I'm having dinner out with my friend/former boss, Andrea. At an Irish Pub. I have to choose wisely! Their menu doesn't look to healthy - not even the salads. They have a roasted turkey sandwich that might be a wise choice, if I order it with Wheat bread instead of focaccia, and a side salad instead of fries!

It's going to be a GOOD week!

I have decided that this week is going to be a good one. I stepped on the scale this morning and lost a pound! That's the first pound i've lost in a month, and i'm not quite sure how I did it, but I'll take it.

Last week wasn't as good as I'd hoped, and I just didn't want to blog about it and inflict any more of my own depressed self onto this blog. I'm sure what it came down to is that I didn't have TIME for anything. No time for the gym (I didn't go even once), and no time to eat. But when I did eat, I made fairly wise choices (except for yesterday - my easter dinner was a plate of macaroni and cheese and baked beans - and raspberry cheesecake for dessert - whoops!).

I slept in this morning for a work day. And I AM going home on time. My grandfather pointed something out to me this weekend about my job - mainly that if I keep killing myself working, they may never hire the replacement for my boss, because i'm getting the work of two people done all on my own. And he's right. I spoke up for myself last week to my boss and told him I couldn't get a project done in the timeline needed. I really hope he comes through for me on pushing back on the client because they have dragged their feet on the project for almost a year, and now want me to have the project designed and finished within a month - and have only given me part of the info I need.

*sigh*

Such is my life these days.

I am working hard today and this week. I am going to the gym. Chris and I are working hard at combining our money and paying down debt, and we're doing pretty well so far. It's going to be a GOOD week!

You win some, you lose some

I've taken a break from blogging for the last several days because my eating has been awful, my exercising has been limited to walking my dog, and my mood has been less than favorable because of work.

I took some steps last Friday to help myself remedy some of the work issues, and after working Saturday, I feel like i'm back on track to maybe work only about a 45 hour week this week. This is MAJOR.

I set out today to really concentrate on my eating, not really thinking about the chili cookoff that was scheduled at work. I'm embarrassed to say all that I ate today. And it all started with the fact that the lunch did not start until 1pm (I usually am starving by 11:30, and eat then), and I was eating Fritos that were sitting around because I was SO hungry.

Tomorrow's going to be a better day. It has to be. And I promised myself I would get back on track with my eating and with my exercising. And I promise you, my readers (all two of you out there!) that the posts to follow will be positive from an energized and on-track ME!!!!

A Breakdown

I had a breakdown at work already this morning (yes, it's 8:30 and i've been here since 7am for the third time this week!).

I got an email from my Aunt asking me how I've been. She said she had breakfast with my grandparents yesterday and they were all really worried about me because I haven't really been around since Christmas.

It immediately made me burst into tears at my desk. My job is literally sucking the life out of me. I feel so trapped.

I am a person who ADORES her family. Especially my grandparents. Their view on many things differ so much from my own but they are two people I love and respect very much, and being around them makes me feel safe and loved. They are two of the most loving and giving people i've ever known. I feel so badly that i've neglected them.

More of the Same

This morning at weigh in, I stayed the same. AGAIN.

And i'm really really okay with that. I am ashamed of the way I ate this weekend.

Today's a new day though. And i'm working really hard to give myself more work/life balance this week even though i'm busier than ever. I truly think that's the source of my eating desires and pitfalls.

Wish me luck!

UPDATE

Blizzard warning issued

Update: The National Weather Service has issued a blizzard warning until 4 p.m. Saturday in anticipation tonight of heavy snow and wind gusts up to 40 miles per hour. Snow totals may reach 15 inches.

Must Be Late Winter Blahs?

I don't know what's happening with me! All the momentum from the last couple of weeks has just gone down the toilet.

It all started yesterday. I went to Target. I hate a huge chocolate craving. I bought a bag of Hershey's Eggs (the ones with the pastel candy shell - i heart them!). I brought them back to the office to share for a "decadent treat," as my coworker calls it. I promised myself the 8-piece 180 calorie serving would be it.

Two handfuls later...I thought "what the hell am I doing?

On the way home in the snow I stopped for lunch. Traffic was bumper to bumper and I was starving. I got some Tofu Thai Spicy at a thai place I usually don't go to. It was the greasiest thing I've eaten in months! Then I went across the street to the grocery store where I bought some kind of "Kajun Crab Dip." You know it's going to be fattening when they can't even spell the words right! I bought frozen pizza. I bought Cocoa pebbles. Oh yeah. And I bought a Heath bar.

What is wrong with me!?

I ate the Heath bar. I had two bowls of Cocoa Pebbles for dinner. And some of that "Kajun" delight on wheat thins. Sounds like a gourmet meal right?

And now I'm supposed to go to the neighbor's for girls night where I just found out my neighbor has prepared three kinds of desserts and bought wine.

I really don't know how I got here today. And all I can say is that I need to get to the gym tomorrow and stick to good habits. I just hope we don't get 8 more inches of snow on top of the 4-5 we already have like is forecasted for tonight.

That's the only excuse I've got. Winter Blahs!

9pm, Wednesday

Well tonight was definitely slated on my calendar as a "GYM" night. I just got home from work 45 minutes ago. Ugh...i know! I made a quick (and delicious) dinner - broccoli, tofu and noodle stir-fry. It was fabulous and low fat! But now it's after 9pm. I have a sink full of dishes, several loads of laundry to do, and almost zero energy.
AND I have to be in early tomorrow and have a speaking event to work/host tomorrow night for AIGA (my professional organization).

I am going to try really really hard to do my 20-minute Pilates workout before I go to bed. But I can't make any promises.

HELP! How do I help myself dig out of this hole at work? Why do I work like this instead of asking for more resources or prioritization?

Turning a bad day into a GOOD day!

The day started out really bad, but it ended really good!

I stayed on track today (except for that thin mint I snuck before the gym - darn those girl scout cookies in my freezer!). I took the dog for a 30 minute walk this morning. I drank my water and planned my meals and my snacks for today. I even got up and made myself eggbeaters and toast for breakfast. I brought my yummy veggie lasagna a banana and a few pretzel sticks for lunch - and I ate outside with my friends Christine and Kate, even though it was only 20 minutes, that fresh air did me worlds of good!! I brought yogurt, fiber one cereal and fresh blueberries for a snack. It's my new favorite!

For dinner, Chris and I had MahiMahi, roasted potatoes (i only ate a couple of pieces), and salads. I went to the gym and did another 40 minutes on the arc trainer. I skipped weights tonight because it's my day to do upper body, and my neck/shoulder is STILL bothering me a bit (I pulled something from coughing when I was sick - but it's WAY better than it has been).

I got to talk with my friend Kelly, whom I just adore, for about 40 minutes after I went to the gym. We have been friends since the second grade. We backpacked through Europe together for a month after college. We've been in each other's weddings. We've been through bad relationships together. We've had lots of crazy adventures together over the years, and managed to stay pretty close through it all. And Chris and I are going to see her and her husband Frank this weekend in Cleveland. I'm VERY excited (although, I have to admit, we're going up there because I have to art direct a photo shoot on Sunday - work is really killing me. Truly).

My Mom and Dad are home from a vacation to Belize. I have missed talking to them!

Chris just found out he got a 96% on his midterm for school (hello making that tuition i'm paying worth it!).

Looking back on it all - it really has been a GOOD day!

Ugh. Week 8?

Okay, i'm having a bad day already. Negative post alert!

1. I stayed the same AGAIN this week. I hate plateaus
2. Chris' friend really annoyed me last night talking politics and i'm still in a foul mood from it today (a.k.a. i don't understand a gay man who votes republican!)
3. A lady at work who is in a management position is REALLY annoying me with "DROP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING" requests for something PERSONAL when she just had a half hour long conversation with me on Friday, keeping me here after 6pm, about how busy I am, and why i'm working weekends! URGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
4. It's GORGEOUS outside, and I will be chained to my desk all day with more work than I can possibly get done.

A Nice Leisurely Saturday

I've had a pretty decent weekend foodwise. Friday night I did splurge on three glasses of white wine. I was so worked up about everything going on at work, and it' helped me relax. I know it's not really a healthy way of dealing with stress - but it sure felt good!

Yesterday I made it to the gym and did 35 minutes on the arc trainer. I'm really beginning to love that thing. I did upper body strength training, and Chris and I took the dog for a long walk in the sun! It was refreshing. After church, we went to dinner with our pastor, Ed, and two ladies from our church. It was nice. We went to the same Mexican place I visited last weekend with girlfriends. I convinced Chris to split the fajitas with me. He was very concerned that he'd leave hungry - but it was enough food for three people easily. And it was SOOO good. I ate more chips than I needed to, but I wasn't too worried. I'd made good choices all day long. We had every intention of going to see a movie after we stopped home to feed and let out the dog. But as we flipped channels for a few minutes, we found some good movies were on, and we settled in to watch Wedding Crashers. It was so relaxing. We eventually moved upstairs and curled up in bed with the dog betweeen us to watch the movie. I fell asleep by 11pm. But I needed the sleep!

This morning I got up, had some cereal and headed out to the gym. Today I did 40 minutes on the arc trainer and lower body strength training. I was so proud of 40 minutes on that machine. I really really like it. I haven't gotten bored on it yet. And i've worked myself up to a reasonable time after a long hiatus from the flu.

I had a grilled cheese and roasted turkey sandwich for lunch which was just amazing. Then I dropped Chris and his friend Jim off at UC for the basketball game and came into work. I'm still here. I did fall off the wagon a bit and splurged on some Graeter's we had in the freezer at work. It was worth every calorie, because I've really had some major chocolate cravings that I just want to satisfy so I can move on and not nibble on it here and there like I have been (hello thin mints in the freezer at home!).

Tonight, I am making Linda McCartney's Winter Lasagne recipe. It has lots of fresh spinach and mushrooms and not much cheese - it's sounds really healthy and really yummy. I'm also going to make a tofu-noodle stir fry for lunches this week, and prepare our meal for tomorrow night - Mahi Mahi, asparagus and fingerling potatoes. Sunday is my day to cook!

Back to work to get some stuff done so perhaps my week will be a bit less stressful!

I am still a little worried about stepping on the scale tomorrow morning, but we'll see what happens. I feel like i've eaten okay, but i'm not sure if it all will add up to a loss. If nothing else, I've gotten in three really good workouts this week, and two nights of Pilates at home. And i'm really starting to see the workout time as MY time to relax and unwind. This is a HUGE leap for me! Workouts have always always been a chore.

Hmmm...Suspicious!

So I just stopped and looked through what I've eaten this week while following some new guidelines. Granted, I do think i've made a more conscious effort to eat more protein and less carbohydrates and sodium this week.

But when I stopped today to count POINTS like I would normally, I am eating more than i would have on Weight Watchers.

I'm a little nervous that Monday i'm going to see a gain on the scale from it. I don't feel like I'm stuffing myself by any means, i'm just not confident yet in the differences and I'm wondering if i'm going to see results from this? I ate out yesterday and had two beers last night and still came in under the range I am given.

It's so foreign to me to have a "range" to keep my calories, fat, protein, carbs, etc IN. The range seems broad. I guess we'll just have to see how it works out!

What I Love About Today!

In an effort to be totally positive today, I invite you to join me in making a list about what's really good about today!

1. The days are getting LONGER!
2. The sun is out!
3. I got free passes to see "The Other Boleyn Girl" for tonight and we are going!
4. I'm going out to lunch with coworkers (we don't do this too often) for greek food!
5. My husband is the sweetest man I know, even when I'm crabby in the morning!
6. I had a really good committee meeting last night for my professional organization and it's got me really pumped about things we have planned!
7. Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Spark Day Two!

I am happy to say that day two following Spark is going really well. It's an adjustment coming from Weight Watchers, because they give you a RANGE of values to aim within. But it's making me more aware of what i'm putting in my mouth. And hey - whatever it takes, right?

I've never been so aware of all the sodium and carbohydrates i'm consuming. Or the lack of protein for that matter. I think this will teach me a more healthful way of planning meals and making choices.

I've had a really bad couple of days emotionally because of work. I'm just very frustrated. I wake up in the morning and wish it was Saturday every morning. I hate wishing my life away!

I had a phone conversation with a friend last night who recently had a baby, and is trying to lose weight as well. It started out well, but I got pretty miffed when she started demanding reasons why I don't have a child or i'm not trying to get pregnant. I love her to death, but sometime's I just want to tell people who ask me those questions that it's none of their damn business!

The democratic presidential debates were on last night as well in Cleveland. I thought that might lift my spirits a bit (I enjoy keeping up with politics most of the time). It really just made me think that I might take my cousin Mike's idea of writing in Frank Zappa for the primaries! Or better yet - Stephen Colbert!

Today we had an ice cream social at work and I did really well. I brought a banana and ate that instead. When I saw the nutrition facts on the side of that half gallon of Graeter's it made mem think twice. I haven't snacked at ALL today either. I've listened to my body and drank lots of water and I really haven't been hungry! I'm proud of myself for that!

Switcheroo

After a bit of investigation, I've decided to switch plans to see how that keeps me on task with my meal planning. I'm trying out Spark People for a few weeks to help me track and journal my eating. I'll be counting carbs, calories and fat instead of points, and I really think it will help me get a better grip on what i'm putting in my body. Especially with the carbs - I am a carb fanatic!

Chris and I are going out for Mexican with friends on Saturday night, which is the first potential problem I see - we'll see how it works out with me counting what goes in my mouth.

A guy I was friends with in college is one of the big wigs over there at Spark (they're just a couple of miles from my office!), and I know he's lost a significant amount of weight on their program. Why not try it out! :)

Wow. I'm STILL tired.

I really thought that after this weekend I'd be ready for the gym. Maybe I overdid it this weekend. Maybe I'm just not ready.

Either way, I can't bring myself to go tonight. I'm WIPED OUT.

I WILL go tomorrow though. I'm going to plan my meals better for tomorrow, too. It was hard getting back into that mentality today. I shouldn't have planned a lunch outing on my first day back to really watching it and reducing my points intake by two!

I probably only went over by 3 points today, which is not awful. I am getting there!

I did cheat and get on the scale anyhow this morning, and my weight (surprisingly) had stayed the same as last week. I am VERY happy about that.

This flu and bronchitis thing I'm still getting over? I'm so sick of it. I want it to be over.
And that plan I had two weeks ago to do something for myself went by the wayside. I need to make a gameplan for this week. For tonight though - I'm going to lay down. I can almost bet I'll be asleep by 9pm for the night!

Be back tomorrow!

I decided that while I was battling my sickness (and I still am just a little), i'd lay off the blog posting. My appetite is officially back, and I need to get myself back into some good eating habits again. I've decided against weighing in Monday, because this weekend includes alot of out of town guests, eating out, and I haven't been to the gym in two weeks. I am hoping to go back tomorrow.

With several friends visiting this weekend my eating has been off. Mexican food yesterday. Two (yes, tw0) donuts for breakfast this morning. A few beers and chips in there, too. My body is hating me for it today, too. I'm sluggish. And I KNOW now that most of my gastro issues are due to poor eating choices, because my stomach really hasn't bothered me much since Christmas...until today!

Stay tuned for more on Monday when I return to the momentum I had! My cough is almost gone, and I'm looking forward to a grand return to the gym.

Week Seven

Week seven weigh in was this morning, and I knew I'd have a loss because of being sick (today is day 8....this virus really has knocked me on my ass). I did get my appetite back on Thursday of last week though, and I wasn't watching it too heavily.

I have a three pound loss for this past week. Now i've just got to concentrate on maintaining that through next week. Ten pounds total lost.

I also have to adjust my points intake this week from 26 to 24 based on this loss. I'm only 8 pounds from the weight I was this summer when I lost 20 pounds and was starting to feel pretty good. I'm 24 pounds from my wedding weight, which is my first big goal. I'm gonna keep on truckin'!

Getting back into eating...

This is truly strange for me, but I haven't had an appetite in over three days because of being under the weather. I did get to the doctor last night, and have a double whammy: flu AND bronchitis.

I stepped on the scale this morning out of curiosity to see what my weight might be, because i've basically been on a liquid diet since Monday. I've lost 7 pounds since Monday. SEVEN. And i'm not proud of that.

Anyway, I still just don't have an appetite. Nothing sounds good, even though i'm feeling a lot better today. I know it will come back - but I MISS eating. And part of me is scared to start eating again, for fear that i'll be sick to my stomach all over again.

Sounds like a romantic Valentine's Day is on the horizon for me, eh?

Aren't we a pair?

Well it seems (at least according to my doctor) that I have the flu. This really sucks! Chris is definitely coming down with it as well as he has developed a fever and all of the other symptoms I have suffered. 1000 milligrams of extra strength tylenol is the only thing that's helping me feel semi-human right now.

What's worse is that i'm really pushing myself to be prepared to go into work tomorrow. I know that I shouldn't, but i'm going to be SO behind if I don't. A day and a half is already more than I can afford to lose, timewise. I could do some stuff from home tonight but my eyes are burning and my muscles are too achy for me to concentrate. Maybe I can work from home tomorrow.

The diet is going by the wayside for now. I haven't had an appetite, although Chris was kind of force feeding me earlier. He made me a grilled cheese - which tasted good, but only caused me to cough more. So i've been drinking my calories today on Juicy Juice.

Oh I HATE being sick. Better this week than next, though, when we are anticipating visitors!

Oh No!

I was feeling pretty worn out yesterday, and I just assumed that it was due to stress from the previous week, and the bitter bitter cold weather outside.

This morning I woke up feeling congested. Which isn't out of the ordinary for me with weather changes.

As the day progressed I started coughing - and it kept getting worse. My nose started running. My ears are popping. I'm definitely coming down with a cold.

I left work around 1:30 today and took a two hour nap. Right now, i'm trying to catch up on some work so tomorrow won't be so bad, but i'm tiring after just about an hour and a half.

I was just online doing some research - is it okay to exercise during a cold? A lot of what i've read is telling me the best thing I can do is take it easy. And i'm NOT okay with that. I wanted to go back to the gym tonight!

For now I guess the best thing I can do is drink lots of water and get lots of rest. And I think that's just what i'm going to do for the rest of tonight!

Week Six Update

After a gain last week, I was hoping to see a loss on the scale this week. And I did. Only one pound, but I'll take it!

Here's a recap of my habits this week:

Things I did well:
I worked out four times this week (yay me!)
I drank LOTS of water
I got lots of sleep
I planned my meals well, for the most part.

Things that probably held me back:
Chris and I ate out Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.
Friday and Saturday nights were tricky - Friday we went out with my parents (their choice) to an AWFUL place, where I ordered a salad with grilled chicken. The chicken was good, but the salad was nasty, and I wound up eating about half a plate of my Dad's fries with the chicken.
Saturday we went to an awards dinner and I didn't make the best choices. It started out well with some pasta and veggies, and I wound up eating two eggrolls along with it. I completely regretted it afterwards. I could feel the grease just sitting in my stomach.

Today begins a new week though! I've got my hopes high for more success. I just have to watch myself with lunches out twice this week, and dinner (and probably breakfast and lunch the next day) out with girlfriends in Columbus on Friday/Saturday. I'm hoping to get my act together Thursday night to cut up some fruit and bring fruit, yogurt and granola to share for breakfast - I'll look like a thoughtful and organized person, but my motive will be for my own health - I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

What working toward physical health has done for my mental health

A few months ago, I made the decision to talk to my primary care physician about referring me to a therapist of some sort to deal with some of the anxiety I had been experiencing. I have always been somewhat of an anxious person, but in the last year I have noticed a change. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was waking up after just a few hours of sleep having what I can only assume are panic attacks about work, about finances, about my insecurities, about an argument Chris and I may have had that day. My eating was really bad, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to find an ounce of will-power inside of me. I was tired ALL THE TIME. Most nights, I came home from work most nights with every intention of going to the gym and being productive, and most nights I would make some dinner (as quick and tasty as possible), and spend the rest of my night laying in bed watching TV, with the occasional trip to the computer to check email, read blogs or news. I realized after Thanksgiving that I needed to do something about it.

Alot of things in my life have contributed to this change in my anxiety levels. And without going into too much detail, at the risk of being found by someone I don't want to read this, a lot of things had changed in my life. My job had changed a lot. We had a lot of management changes, structural changes, and my boss resigned. All in the midst of the biggest and most stressful project I've ever worked on. I joined the board of the professional organization for which I belong. I began volunteering one night a week serving dinner to Cincinnati's homeless. And on top of it all, Chris was working even MORE as his deadlines had changed, and he was taking a very intense class.

In summary, I was just doing too much for everyone else, and not doing much of anything for myself.

I went to see my physician one night in December, after talking to a couple of friends about therapy. I wasn't sure where to start. I know that ADD, depression and anxiety-prone behavior are dominant on both sides of my family. It was a scary and completely raw emotional feeling for me. I wound up bawling in my doctor's office, telling him that I just wanted to talk to someone about healthier ways of dealing with stress and learning to let go of things that upset me. And then I felt completely stupid for having the breakdown. But that was exactly what I needed someone else to see, because I was becoming completely irrational - at least to myself, and I couldn't control my emotions in simple acts like explaining my feelings to someone.

I made a call to the therapist who he recommended. She called back and informed me that she doesn't accept any kind of insurance, and went over her prices with me, and offered to find another therapist for me that would take my insurance. I told her I'd think it over and call her back.

The holidays came and went. Life got busier, and I just put it off. Over Christmas I ate so poorly that I was sick from overconsumption. I hated myself for it, too. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. And that's when I decided I had to get serious, and find the will to take the time for myself to eat better, to exercise and to listen to my own body. A novel concept, right?

It's amazing to me what a difference treating myself with the respect that I treat everyone else around me has made. I have confidence again. I have energy. My emotions are in check. My husband isn't afraid to joke around with me or pay me a compliment in fear of upsetting me about something unexpectedly or that I might skew his comment. I'm sleeping so much better. I have a sense of humor again!

I was thinking about this today as I was at the gym, rocking the arc trainer. I have worked myself up to 25 minutes on the machine this week. When I tried it out last Thursday, I did 8 minutes on it, and thought I was going to die. I was enjoying my workout for the first time in a really long time. Chris tried really hard to tempt me to stay home today - it was REALLY cold outside - and he was content with hibernating all day. But I went because I wanted to go. And *I* was the one with all the energy.

And yes, i'm rambling. But I just want to share here that I just feel like i'm back. And back to stay. I wanted to write these thoughts to look back on when I'm having a day that reminds me of the last several months before I began working so hard on myself.

On tap for this week to do for myself:
A girls' night in Columbus on Friday.
A show on Wednesday night (hopefully it's not sold out already).
Lunch out (eating outside of my office with someone other than coworkers is HUGE for me) with my friend Sarah
Reading a new book - I haven't read in ages!

Gearing up for a good habit weekend!

I've been pretty ON this week with my eating, I am proud to report. I have eaten out a few times, but i've made wise choices. With the exception of Tuesday, when I consumed an entire roll of sushi (Oh, how I love the Green Papaya Roll!), which I'm sure exceeded the 300 calories I had left for that meal. I've been to the gym only twice, but I've worked VERY hard, and needed the days in between to recover from sore muscles.

I've been really hungry all the time, too, and i'm chalking that up to burning calories faster. I've made good choices with my snacks. I've had high-protein snacks to satifsy those cravings, and I've been planning meals efficiently as well.

This weekend i'll most definitely be at the gym Saturday and Sunday.

I'm praying that I can recoup a loss from the gain last week! Good luck to all!

A Little Retail Therapy

I'm in the weird stage with my clothes where alot of them are getting loose on me, but the next size down is a bit tight, still. I've been feeling a little bummed out about it. Last night I decided to stop into my favorite shoe store in Cincinnati, Shoetopia. They were having their winter shoe sale, so I totally made out. And they are awesome. My friend Chrissy said she was going to mug me for my shoes last night!

Check 'em out:










And the best part was that I paid $30 TOTAL for these shoes.

Seriously?

Well first of all, I rocked the gym tonight. I tried out a new machine tonight. It was a cross training machine, but also like an elliptical, but the elevation changed. I'm not sure what the industry term was for it. I lasted 10 minutes on it, but it's the hardest 10 minutes i've worked out in a month! Of course, I spent my usual 30 on the elliptical and did lower body weights for 20 minutes.

Back to the point of this blog entry: there was a woman on a machine next to me talking on her cell phone. She must have felt me glaring at her. I couldn't help but be resentful of her. She's working out, talking about how to get her kids to daycare tomorrow and gabbing away with god knows who. And I just wanted to say "This is MY time. Please don't annoy me with your drama and your loud voice!"

I did good on food today. Just about 100 calories over my daily limit, but the gym definitely makes up for it. For now, i'm going to spend some time reading a new book and try to stay awake just a little while longer.

Apparently, the number two is my favorite - Week 5

Since I began this weight loss journey early in January, I have consistently taken off two pounds each week and been very proud.

This week the number I saw was also a difference of two pounds. But it was two pounds in the wrong direction. I'm upset about it, sure. But I know exactly what I did to put those pounds on, and I HAVE to work harder this week at planning better, and exercising more.

Here's a quick rundown:
•I didn't drink enough water - instead, i drank a lot of pop.
• I didn't fare so well at parties on Saturday or Sunday nights with food.
• I didn't work out at all this weekend, and usually I do at least twice
• I had a massive chocolate craving, and i found Chris' secret stash and totally binged.


Goals for this week:
• Drink more water (i'm on 20 oz today already).
• Make good choices when I eat out (so far this week, it looks like i have two work commitments out for lunch, I ran out this morning without packing anything, so I will have to seek something out on my own, and my friend Datina just invited me out for thai/sushi tomorrow night.
• Workout at least 4 times, but aim for 5, and work in some Pilates this week on days I don't go to the gym.
• Shop/plan better for the week so I can tackle those cravings with more strategy.

I WILL get back on track, and not sweat this. It happens. I have several things at home to make for meals to really get myself motivated this week.

Hope you all had better weigh-ins than me!

Oops!

Well I had a tricky day of eating yesterday. I really did set out to moderate well, and it just didn't end up that way. Chris and I were entertaining a crew from his office last night in celebration of his boss' promotion, and a farewell for him, as he moves to a new office. It was really fun.

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday (and hadn't planned to, either), because we got up at 8am, and started getting the house ready with a good deep cleaning. God it feels so nice and clean in here right now! I made some food. I let Chris suggest the menu, since it was his party. So I made skyline dip (it's a Cincinnati thing - Cream Cheese, Skyline Chili and Cheddar cheese warmed and served with tortilla chips), pizza bread with mozzarella, romano, pepperoni, baby portobella mushrooms, red pepper and green onion; chex mix, and a caramel apple dip with apples.

His coworker, Amanda, brought a fruit try and a veggie tray, as well as saugage-cheese balls. And of course, lots of beverages of the alcoholic variety.

Yesterday just happened to be a day that my gastro issues got the best of me. And I felt really bad all day. I did eat, but every time I did, it made me feel worse. By the time our guests started to arrive, I had gotten the chance to lay down for a bit, and I was feeling MUCH better. And at that point i was starving. So i can't say that I "counted" a thing yesterday, so I'm not sure where that's going to put me when i weigh in tomorrow. I had a piece of the pizza bread, two sausage-cheese balls, veggies, fruit, a little apple dip, two chocolate chip cookies (oh boy, were they yum!), two glasses of wine, and a beer.

I'm not going to sweat it though. I had a night where I just didn't worry about it too much. I'm going to get back on the horse and go to the gym today. And I'm going to try really hard tonight to portion myself at the superbowl party we're attending. I know I can have a blast and just stay away from the food!

When something feels different

A small win for me occurred this morning, and I had to share.

So I have this really gorgeous silk sweater set from Ann Taylor (size XL) that was handed down to me from a neighbor who claims it was "too big in the shoulders" for her. So yeah, she gave me her fat clothes, but whatever. It's really pretty, really comfortable, and it was more money than I would have spent on it, i'm sure.

I decided to wear it to work today. It's never been uncomfortable to wear. It's got quite a bit of give to it. But this morning, I put the shell of it on, and it felt different. It's the first article of clothing I have put on where I've felt a difference this month.

What a GOOD feeling. And what good motivation to keep going!

I'm planning to try on the Old Navy jeans later tonight that I bought after Christmas. I didn't try them on because they were a different color, but the same size and cut as a pair I bought after Thanksgiving that were fitting me perfectly. So I walked in there, saw a sale on jeans, and picked out size 16 in "the sweetheart" cut and took them home.

Well these puppies were SKIN tight on me on December 27th. And instead of taking them back, I made a vow to get into them. I think i'm going to try them on later tonight and see where i'm at. In other news, I AM noticing a difference today, also, in the size 16 grey slacks I bought the same night I bought those jeans. So different, in fact, that in another month, I may need to buy new pants altogether!

I'm exhausted!!

I haven't worked out since Sunday. And today i'm feeling the effects of that. I've been SO tired all day. It's amazing what exercise does for you.

I'm sure working like I have the last three days is not helping in the least (in at 7:30, work nonstop till 6, up until midnight doing around the house stuff). Thank goodness tomorrow is Thursday!

I realized on my way home today that I haven't done a very good job of pre-planning meals to take to work this week. I'm going to make a tuna salad and green salad tonight for both of us to pack tomorrow. Friday I have plans to go out for lunch (location tbd) with a friend from work, and out to dinner at Benihana for dinner before I go to see Wicked with my friend Danielle.

I can do this though, right? No fried rice, just plain brown or white. Chicken and shrimp, hibachi style shouldn't be too fatty - at least I think! I guess alot is riding on that lunch, too. Hello big salad!?

Working out tonight and tomorrow will get me through and keep me motivated!! I'm actually looking forward to it.

But for now...a power nap!

The Lasagna

Holy cow was it awesome. I lightened the recipe significantly with light cream cheese, 1% milk, and part skim mozzarella.

It's my new favorite dish. I can't wait to make it all over again!

Rejection Letter Two Came Today.

Ugh. I feel like a loser!

Gym, here I come!

(updated 9:32pm)
So sorry to all of you for the bummer post. I didn't make it to the gym afterall. We're in the middle of a nasty storm. I burned plenty of calories cleaning though. I cleaned the entire fridge, inside and out, did some laundry, and swiffered all the hardwood. And I made *the* most amazing asparagus lasagne for dinner. Holy wow. I can't wait for the leftovers tomorrow.

Hooray for turning what could have been a mopey night into something productive!

Scratch that - Week 4

The moment came this morning. I stepped on the scale with a wince in my eyes to find another two pound loss this week! That's 8 pounds in four weeks.

Thank God for small favors. What a great pick me up. It motivates me even more to stay on track this week.

My goal for this week is to find a way to change up my workout a bit. I find myself very very bored when I go to the gym. I listen to good music, but I have trouble reading, because i find that it slows me down on the cardio machines. I think maybe I need to incorporate a class or try a new machine to help with the boredom.

Dreading Tomorrow

It's time for weigh in tomorrow morning. Week four. I have a sinking feeling that I'll see the same weight as last week. It's been a hard week overall for me.

My workouts have been shorter every time (about 30 mins on the elliptical and alternating upper and lower body weights), even though i've been four times this week. I've had so much going on. But the shorter workouts are better than none at all, right?

I've been snacking too much. And I think it's emotional more than anything. Two nights this week i've skipped dinner and just snacked through the evening. I haven't eaten enough vegetables.

I don't mean to make this sound like a down on myself post. It's not.

I know that I need to start a new week tomorrow, and I need to use this week as motivation for working harder, planning better, and making more time for myself to do so. I am SO driven to do this, REALLY do this.

I stocked the fridge today with lots of foods to make healthy meals all week. Lots of veggies. Lots of good good proteins. Tonight I made a KILLER black bean lasagna for my aunt and uncle's family - and i'm going to make another for us. It's just the kind of thing I need to be doing. My only after work commitment this week is watching my neighbor's baby for a couple of hours tomorrow night. I plan to use the time to cook and plan for a good health week!! (and just pray I get through that Superbowl party, and the party we're having at our house on Saturday relatively okay!).

A New 'Do!

My sister in law asked me to come to her salon to model for their newest brochure. She wanted to cut, color and straighten my hair and do before and after photos. Here's the iSight photo I just took. I'm quite happy with it!



It was just the pick me up I needed! I know it's only six pounds, but I am seeing the weight coming off of my face, which is very good!!

This is also the cut I've been trying to get for a good year. Somehow my hair dresser (whom I love) never seems to angle it as drastically as I'd like. Jennifer hit the nail on the head. And I LOVE the color. It's got a rich red tint to it in the sunlight.

Sometimes a little pampering is all I need to make my outlook better! I need to remember this!

It's gorgeous outside today. Sunny and 45. Which is gorgeous in comparison to the weather we've been having. I'm going to go convince Chris to drop what he's doing so we can walk the dog and enjoy the daylight that's left!

Feeling Down Today

I got a rejection letter in the mail yesterday for an opportunity I had really been hopeful and excited for. It's really got me very down on myself and down on the world today.

I can't help it. Nobody likes being rejected.

I'm going to head to the gym anyway. My crampy, tired body would rather lay in bed watching TV, but I need to direct my emotions into something else. So I'm going to give it a shot!

My Reasons for Getting Healthy

Thanks Krissie, for the idea - i'm lifting it from you!

1. I want to have more energy.
2. I want my stress levels to go down, and I want to teach myself to let go of my stress in healthier ways than eating and laying around.
3. I want to have a baby in the next couple of years, and i'm certain that getting in healthier habits now will only benefit my child during pregnancy and through life.
4. I want to help improve Chris' health habits through my own and continue to receive clean bills of health from his biannual CT scans.
5. I want to go to an independently owned boutique store and try on the cute dress in the window - and look good in it. Nevermind that they don't usually come in my size now!
6. I want to play on a recreational soccer team, and I'm too embarrassed right now to run around doing that.
7. I want to look at a photo of myself and NOT be worried about how fat I look. 3 years ago, I thought i looked great in photos. That was 25 pounds lighter than I am now!
8. I want to feel proud of myself for my hard work and determination!