What working toward physical health has done for my mental health

A few months ago, I made the decision to talk to my primary care physician about referring me to a therapist of some sort to deal with some of the anxiety I had been experiencing. I have always been somewhat of an anxious person, but in the last year I have noticed a change. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was waking up after just a few hours of sleep having what I can only assume are panic attacks about work, about finances, about my insecurities, about an argument Chris and I may have had that day. My eating was really bad, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to find an ounce of will-power inside of me. I was tired ALL THE TIME. Most nights, I came home from work most nights with every intention of going to the gym and being productive, and most nights I would make some dinner (as quick and tasty as possible), and spend the rest of my night laying in bed watching TV, with the occasional trip to the computer to check email, read blogs or news. I realized after Thanksgiving that I needed to do something about it.

Alot of things in my life have contributed to this change in my anxiety levels. And without going into too much detail, at the risk of being found by someone I don't want to read this, a lot of things had changed in my life. My job had changed a lot. We had a lot of management changes, structural changes, and my boss resigned. All in the midst of the biggest and most stressful project I've ever worked on. I joined the board of the professional organization for which I belong. I began volunteering one night a week serving dinner to Cincinnati's homeless. And on top of it all, Chris was working even MORE as his deadlines had changed, and he was taking a very intense class.

In summary, I was just doing too much for everyone else, and not doing much of anything for myself.

I went to see my physician one night in December, after talking to a couple of friends about therapy. I wasn't sure where to start. I know that ADD, depression and anxiety-prone behavior are dominant on both sides of my family. It was a scary and completely raw emotional feeling for me. I wound up bawling in my doctor's office, telling him that I just wanted to talk to someone about healthier ways of dealing with stress and learning to let go of things that upset me. And then I felt completely stupid for having the breakdown. But that was exactly what I needed someone else to see, because I was becoming completely irrational - at least to myself, and I couldn't control my emotions in simple acts like explaining my feelings to someone.

I made a call to the therapist who he recommended. She called back and informed me that she doesn't accept any kind of insurance, and went over her prices with me, and offered to find another therapist for me that would take my insurance. I told her I'd think it over and call her back.

The holidays came and went. Life got busier, and I just put it off. Over Christmas I ate so poorly that I was sick from overconsumption. I hated myself for it, too. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. And that's when I decided I had to get serious, and find the will to take the time for myself to eat better, to exercise and to listen to my own body. A novel concept, right?

It's amazing to me what a difference treating myself with the respect that I treat everyone else around me has made. I have confidence again. I have energy. My emotions are in check. My husband isn't afraid to joke around with me or pay me a compliment in fear of upsetting me about something unexpectedly or that I might skew his comment. I'm sleeping so much better. I have a sense of humor again!

I was thinking about this today as I was at the gym, rocking the arc trainer. I have worked myself up to 25 minutes on the machine this week. When I tried it out last Thursday, I did 8 minutes on it, and thought I was going to die. I was enjoying my workout for the first time in a really long time. Chris tried really hard to tempt me to stay home today - it was REALLY cold outside - and he was content with hibernating all day. But I went because I wanted to go. And *I* was the one with all the energy.

And yes, i'm rambling. But I just want to share here that I just feel like i'm back. And back to stay. I wanted to write these thoughts to look back on when I'm having a day that reminds me of the last several months before I began working so hard on myself.

On tap for this week to do for myself:
A girls' night in Columbus on Friday.
A show on Wednesday night (hopefully it's not sold out already).
Lunch out (eating outside of my office with someone other than coworkers is HUGE for me) with my friend Sarah
Reading a new book - I haven't read in ages!