On Self-Control

I've been thinking alot lately about self-control and about willpower.

I have such a hard time willing myself to eat healthy and exercise, and an even harder time with willing myself to stick with it.

In every other aspect of my life i've always held back. I've always been afraid of losing control, but somehow it's food that i find the most comfort in letting myself go completely.

I come from a family of drinkers. I hesitate to say alcoholics, mostly because I'm probably not ready to admit that. But I knew at a very early age that I never wanted to need to drink like my parents and sibling and so many others in my family do. Don't get me wrong, I like a cold beer, a really dry glass of wine, and the occasional margarita or martini. But even in my most comfortable of situations, I rarely let myself get drunk. My husband can probably count those times on one hand in 6 years of being together. These addictive tendencies are hereditary though, right?

When I was still single, I held back tremendously with those I dated. With sex, with commitment in some aspects and with really letting people "in."

I was never one to experiment with drugs much (and hey - i went to art school and lots of phish and DMB shows!). I never got wild and went to parties. But food -- food was always there, and I have always been willing to let loose and find comfort in that. When I have a bad day at work, I have always turned to food instead of hobbies, exercise, entertainment, or even a beer.

It's just something interesting i've been mulling over about myself. I think that in the six years that i've been with my husband, I've really changed in a lot of ways. I was a total introvert in so many situations. I was afraid to do alot of things alone, though my stubbornness never let that side of myself show too much. He's brought me out of my shell in a lot of ways, and the funny part is that he's a pretty introspective person himself.

I don't hold back anymore on things so much out of fear, but by choice, and I'm hoping that as my own self continues this evolution, I'll continue to find ways to channel my comfort needs into other things, and to control my urges where food is concerned. I know that a big part of this journey is about recognizing my own behaviors and learning to change them. And I think this is a good start.