When Bad Days are...well...REALLY Bad.

In an attempt from saving myself from being dooced, I have really been mindful of my mentions of the working environment i spend so much time in. I have not mentioned how stressful, frustrating and overall mind-numbing the last year has been for me.

Nor have I mentioned my strategy around it...much. And I still can't.

My point here is that things have gone from bad to worse. A three-person team, has dwindled to a one-person team - ME. I'm the weakest link. The last man standing. The lone ranger. And I am happier than you can imagine for the other two team mates who have busted out.

It SUCKS though. I can't even express how bad it is for me at work right now. And for those of you who think about food like I do, it might illustrate my mental state when I mention that I don't find the time to eat. I don't care about eating, and I've been spending my free time drinking beer or sleeping.

So if I don't post as often as I should (or would like), understand that I am working to get myself out of the situation I am in. Send some good thoughts my way!

The week STARTED well...

...and it ended on a low note!

I did so well all week with eating. I was walking the dog every day, and hardly even snacking or feeling hungry because I was too busy to think about it. I even managed to find time to plan out my lunches so I was staying on track.

And then the weekend rolled around. It started Friday night when I suggested we get soft serve ice cream. Then Saturday, after our street sale (and I managed to say "no" to hotdogs, doughnuts and lemonde!) we had our street party. I had a bratwurst. And a cookie (it was vegan, but it was still very much a fattening thing! And some heavenly granny smith apple salad with snickers and coolwhip mixed in. It wasn't awful, since I hadn't eaten much all day. But then my neighbor brought out a carton of strawberry whoppers, and a carton of chocolate whoppers. And I proceeded to eat them and eat them and eat them. Sunday, too. Only Sunday i finished off two bowls of that apple salad in addition and then ate my way around the local Greek Festival.

*SIGH* I don't know how this happens to me. And I was even thinking while I was doing it how mad at myself I would be.

But today's a new day! I weighed in today at the same weight as last week, thank goodness, and i've made solid choices today. I even told Chris he should take our friend Adam to the Reds' game so I could go work out.

Here's to another week of staying on target and remaining that way!

When it rains it pours!

Somehow when I try to start fresh on my eating, I have the worst most stressful days. I don't get it.

Yesterday was a doozie, and today's not starting out any better.

I stayed on track yesterday, save for some Pita chips that I shouldn't have eaten, but I didn't get to eat my lunch yesterday because work was so busy.

Today, i'm already on track for doing the same. And on top of it, I have to hire a new temp because my current temp help found another job, thinking we wouldn't need her any longer (but not bothering to ask me, of course!). Ugh.

So frustrated today!

When I Feel Invisible

I don't mean for this to seem like a downer of a post - but it really might. I'm honestly just pretty angry.

Long backstory short (sorta): I had a friend in high school. My best friend. She was an exchange student from Indonesia. We don't talk anymore. She literally dropped off the face of the earth, stopped returning my calls, etc. We were friends as she moved to Honolulu, then to Pittsburgh, and right around the time I got married she stopped returning phone calls for no reason at all. Last I heard from her host family, she was in Texas somewhere, and wouldn't return their calls either. And I realize she wasn't really a friend. She was just always out for herself. It took me a long time to realize that, and not think it was something I did.

Anyway, she had a boyfriend in high school/early college. He and I became buddies too. She broke his heart, much like she broke mine, just after about 3 years, instead of 8. Well he's worked in restaurants in town for the last 5 or so years, and I've seen him out and he's been super weird with me, but we have talked in the past, though briefly.

Tonight I went for drinks at a swanky new(er) restaurant downtown with two girlfriends. And he totally ignored me. Pretended he didn't know me. I caught him looking at me more than 3 or 4 times, and he'd turn his head quickly. What's the deal?

Nothing inside of me could make myself walk up to that bar he was tending, or call out his name as he walked by to clear the table next to mine. Something in me just feels invisible when stuff like this happens, and I get so insecure about being "the fat girl."

I HATE it.

And I'm ANGRY. But not at myself - so that's real progress. I don't understand people who can pretend not to know someone they were friends with. And I know he was very hurt by my former friend, but that wasn't my fault. She hurt me, too.

Just...UGH!

Okay, WHY am I hungry again?

I went out to lunch today. I had a grilled chicken skewer with rice pilaf, a salad and hummus and pita bread. I felt satisfied when I left there at 12:45. An hour later i'm feeling hungry again.

Time to hit the water, i think. But I need to hold off on snacking for at least another hour!

I'm sure it's just my body readjusting to eating like crap for the last two days. But man, does this stink!

New Motivation? I sure hope so!

I just saw some photos of myself from a couple of weeks ago and was horrified. This was from an event I hosted for my professional organization, and I felt really good about myself that day. I look at them now, and I want to cry. I just don't understand how I got here sometimes, and it's so funny how i see myself so differently than the camera does.

Sleeping last night helped me a LOT. I need to get back on the horse today at the gym, and watch my eating carefully. It's tiring though. I feel like i'm in a constant war with myself. Every single day, and every time I put something in my mouth!

Ugh. Week 8?

Okay, i'm having a bad day already. Negative post alert!

1. I stayed the same AGAIN this week. I hate plateaus
2. Chris' friend really annoyed me last night talking politics and i'm still in a foul mood from it today (a.k.a. i don't understand a gay man who votes republican!)
3. A lady at work who is in a management position is REALLY annoying me with "DROP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING" requests for something PERSONAL when she just had a half hour long conversation with me on Friday, keeping me here after 6pm, about how busy I am, and why i'm working weekends! URGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
4. It's GORGEOUS outside, and I will be chained to my desk all day with more work than I can possibly get done.

Getting back into eating...

This is truly strange for me, but I haven't had an appetite in over three days because of being under the weather. I did get to the doctor last night, and have a double whammy: flu AND bronchitis.

I stepped on the scale this morning out of curiosity to see what my weight might be, because i've basically been on a liquid diet since Monday. I've lost 7 pounds since Monday. SEVEN. And i'm not proud of that.

Anyway, I still just don't have an appetite. Nothing sounds good, even though i'm feeling a lot better today. I know it will come back - but I MISS eating. And part of me is scared to start eating again, for fear that i'll be sick to my stomach all over again.

Sounds like a romantic Valentine's Day is on the horizon for me, eh?

Aren't we a pair?

Well it seems (at least according to my doctor) that I have the flu. This really sucks! Chris is definitely coming down with it as well as he has developed a fever and all of the other symptoms I have suffered. 1000 milligrams of extra strength tylenol is the only thing that's helping me feel semi-human right now.

What's worse is that i'm really pushing myself to be prepared to go into work tomorrow. I know that I shouldn't, but i'm going to be SO behind if I don't. A day and a half is already more than I can afford to lose, timewise. I could do some stuff from home tonight but my eyes are burning and my muscles are too achy for me to concentrate. Maybe I can work from home tomorrow.

The diet is going by the wayside for now. I haven't had an appetite, although Chris was kind of force feeding me earlier. He made me a grilled cheese - which tasted good, but only caused me to cough more. So i've been drinking my calories today on Juicy Juice.

Oh I HATE being sick. Better this week than next, though, when we are anticipating visitors!

Oh No!

I was feeling pretty worn out yesterday, and I just assumed that it was due to stress from the previous week, and the bitter bitter cold weather outside.

This morning I woke up feeling congested. Which isn't out of the ordinary for me with weather changes.

As the day progressed I started coughing - and it kept getting worse. My nose started running. My ears are popping. I'm definitely coming down with a cold.

I left work around 1:30 today and took a two hour nap. Right now, i'm trying to catch up on some work so tomorrow won't be so bad, but i'm tiring after just about an hour and a half.

I was just online doing some research - is it okay to exercise during a cold? A lot of what i've read is telling me the best thing I can do is take it easy. And i'm NOT okay with that. I wanted to go back to the gym tonight!

For now I guess the best thing I can do is drink lots of water and get lots of rest. And I think that's just what i'm going to do for the rest of tonight!

Seriously?

Well first of all, I rocked the gym tonight. I tried out a new machine tonight. It was a cross training machine, but also like an elliptical, but the elevation changed. I'm not sure what the industry term was for it. I lasted 10 minutes on it, but it's the hardest 10 minutes i've worked out in a month! Of course, I spent my usual 30 on the elliptical and did lower body weights for 20 minutes.

Back to the point of this blog entry: there was a woman on a machine next to me talking on her cell phone. She must have felt me glaring at her. I couldn't help but be resentful of her. She's working out, talking about how to get her kids to daycare tomorrow and gabbing away with god knows who. And I just wanted to say "This is MY time. Please don't annoy me with your drama and your loud voice!"

I did good on food today. Just about 100 calories over my daily limit, but the gym definitely makes up for it. For now, i'm going to spend some time reading a new book and try to stay awake just a little while longer.