If at first you don't succeed...

Last week could have gone better with my eating. I never wrote about it here because I was pretty down on it all. I didn't make it to the gym a single time. I only got out to walk the dog twice. My eating wasn't awful, but it wasn't very good either. By the time Friday rolled around, I found myself downing a bowl of fresh guacamole and chips and drinking two powerful margaritas.

It was all stress, and i need to learn, as I've said many times before, to channel that differently. Yesterday I tried on a pair of capris that I bought last year and couldn't get them buttoned. It made me break into tears. This morning I got on the scale, and my weight is back to where it was on New Year's day. My 9 pounds is all back.

Today went really well though. I had lots of veggies - broccoli with lunch, corn and a salad with dinner. I had lots of fruit - a nectarine with breakfast, watermelon with lunch, strawberries after dinner. My only splurge was the baked cheetos after I went to the grocery store (which I didn't need in the first place).

Quinn (my dog if I haven't mentioned his name before) and I went for a nice long walk this evening after I got back from the grocery store. I spent $109 and change at Meijer tonight. I stocked up on some things and I feel set for the week. I am limiting myself to only eating out on Thursday night with my girlfriends for sushi, and Chris has agreed to stay in with me and not suggest eating out this weekend. So i'm set for some pretty interesting meals. I bought a pork tenderloin filet, and plan to make a Morrocan spice rub for it. I've got bok choy, tofu and fresh farmer's market asparagus for an amazing stir fry. I bought ground turkey and have the ingredients for fresh salsa - thank you again farmer's market - so we'll be having tacos this week.

We have dog training on the agenda for tomorrow night, but i'm slated for the gym Wednesday and Thursday nights (no sushi for me unless I promise to work out that night!).

I'm back. And I'm trying hard. And knowing that I have a network of friends out there doing the same is really helping me - thanks to all of you whose blogs keep me inspired!

When it rains it pours!

Somehow when I try to start fresh on my eating, I have the worst most stressful days. I don't get it.

Yesterday was a doozie, and today's not starting out any better.

I stayed on track yesterday, save for some Pita chips that I shouldn't have eaten, but I didn't get to eat my lunch yesterday because work was so busy.

Today, i'm already on track for doing the same. And on top of it, I have to hire a new temp because my current temp help found another job, thinking we wouldn't need her any longer (but not bothering to ask me, of course!). Ugh.

So frustrated today!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

A Bad BAD Eating Day.

I've eaten alot of crap today. Lots of chocolate, and even McDonalds. Chips, regular coke. Ugh.

I can't help it. I'm an emotional eater. We've had quite the day. Chris' grandparents' house caught on fire around 1:30 today, and they lost almost everything. There were a few things salvaged from the first floor (where his brother lives with his kids). But even worse, at this point the firefighters suspect arson. But the good news is that everyone is okay!

I've never seen anything like what I saw today.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day food wise. And obviously, a better day all around for the family.

Food for Thought

This has been floating around several blogs lately and has the potential to give you some insight about why you eat when/what you do. Just some food for thought...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
Anything with cheese or chocolate.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Evenings mostly. When I have down time, or am just too busy to really think about what's going in my mouth, and too tired to really put forth the effort.

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Many times i'm upset or angry. Or i'm just exhausted from the amount of energy it requires to portion and make good choices. I often find myself with a very "fuck it" kind of attitude, and think "just a little more of this (insert item I shouldn't be eating here) won't hurt for just one day." Then it just keeps spiraling, unfortunately.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I don't think I have a binge eating disorder, but I do think I have an addiction. Addictions run in my family with alcohol and tobacco. I've managed to avoid those two addictions, but food is what I replace it with.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?
I don't want it to sound like I blame my parents for my weight, because I don't. But I believe it all started when we moved into the house I mostly grew up in. We had lots of space with a private drive, but nobody to play with. My brother and I have always been so different that playing with him was never the most attractive option. I could never ride my bike to a friends' house. I was never allowed to take a walk alone, and it was rare that my Mom would go with me. So my childhood experience really lacked the means to get myself in an active lifestyle. I opted instead to read so much that my Mother would FORCE me outside to play, or watch TV whenever my parents weren't home, or whenever I was otherwise allowed (which is alot).

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
I really can only blame myself. I make the choice to put foods in my mouth. I make the choice to skip the gym, or go out to lunch when I should eat what i've packed.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I'm lazy. I always have been. And we were kind of poor when I was a kid, and I never took to vegetables because we always had things like corn or peas out of a can or frozen from a bag. They only way my Mom could ever get me to really want to eat them was in a cream sauce or in a cheese sauce. I am only now beginning to like vegetables - because i buy and use them fresh.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Usually. I always played sports. And i really have made an effort to work out at a gym since college. It's just not always part of my regular routine.

10. What made you finally want to change?
I'm not sure I fully have changed. I have a long way to go. I'm tired of looking around and wondering if i'm the fat girl in the room. I'm tired of shopping and never even trying on what i'd REALLY like to wear because I know it won't look good, or worse, it doesn't even come in my size. I'm tired of the cracks people make - perfect strangers - if I unintentionally upset someone while driving and I hear them yell "you fat (insert expletives here)" like I heard from mean mean kids growing up.
More importantly, I want to have children, and I don't want my children to struggle with this problem. I want to have healthy pregnancies, and I want my children to learn how to balance exercise and nutrition so they don't make the mistakes I did!

When Frustration Hits

I had a rough day today at work, and I tried very hard not to turn to food. I'm such an emotional eater. A friend of mine at work was very upset with me for circumstances beyond my control, and really only because she's very competitive, and things just suck for us not having a manager. I'll just leave it at that, but I was almost in tears at my desk for most of the afternoon.

I did well for breakfast and lunch. I've taken a liking to the Fiber One cereal i bought. It's good mixed with organic vanilla yogurt. This morning I mixed it with Light N' Fit Dannon that i bought at work. Ugh. I HATE artificial sweeteners.

For lunch I brought rice an a TJ's stir fry I made last night. After a few bites I realized how much I DIDN'T like what I had, and I opted for the asparagus soup downstairs in the small cafe. Maybe not my best choice, but it beat the other options, plus it supposedly had a vegetable base.

I had a fiber one bar for a snack around 4pm (they taste like candy bars - no lie!).

When I got home I was STARVING. Before I knew it, I had eaten a piece of cheese and some animal crackers while I made spaghetti. We had turkey chili w/spaghetti for dinner. It was filling and just what I needed, but I know I needed more veggies in my diet today that I would have gotten in that stir fry.

I splurged after dinner on a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate. It was my emotions hitting me, and the stress of work. I need to get myself into a healthier work environment.

But I did walk the dog for 30 minutes (it's 70 degrees here today!), and hit the elliptical machine at the gym for another 30 minutes. I skipped the weights, because i'm SUPER sore from pilates last night.

I'm still counting WW points, and I think I went over by one point today, but I think the elliptical makes up for it.

Overall, i'm pretty proud of my resistance on the stress eating.

Tomorrow the fun begins - dinner meetings for the next three nights for AIGA.