When Bad Days are...well...REALLY Bad.

In an attempt from saving myself from being dooced, I have really been mindful of my mentions of the working environment i spend so much time in. I have not mentioned how stressful, frustrating and overall mind-numbing the last year has been for me.

Nor have I mentioned my strategy around it...much. And I still can't.

My point here is that things have gone from bad to worse. A three-person team, has dwindled to a one-person team - ME. I'm the weakest link. The last man standing. The lone ranger. And I am happier than you can imagine for the other two team mates who have busted out.

It SUCKS though. I can't even express how bad it is for me at work right now. And for those of you who think about food like I do, it might illustrate my mental state when I mention that I don't find the time to eat. I don't care about eating, and I've been spending my free time drinking beer or sleeping.

So if I don't post as often as I should (or would like), understand that I am working to get myself out of the situation I am in. Send some good thoughts my way!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

A Bad BAD Eating Day.

I've eaten alot of crap today. Lots of chocolate, and even McDonalds. Chips, regular coke. Ugh.

I can't help it. I'm an emotional eater. We've had quite the day. Chris' grandparents' house caught on fire around 1:30 today, and they lost almost everything. There were a few things salvaged from the first floor (where his brother lives with his kids). But even worse, at this point the firefighters suspect arson. But the good news is that everyone is okay!

I've never seen anything like what I saw today.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day food wise. And obviously, a better day all around for the family.

Anxiety!

I am really really stressing about some life decisions and some important things happening this week. So far, i've done really well channeling that into exercise in the last two days.

That is all!

A Breakdown

I had a breakdown at work already this morning (yes, it's 8:30 and i've been here since 7am for the third time this week!).

I got an email from my Aunt asking me how I've been. She said she had breakfast with my grandparents yesterday and they were all really worried about me because I haven't really been around since Christmas.

It immediately made me burst into tears at my desk. My job is literally sucking the life out of me. I feel so trapped.

I am a person who ADORES her family. Especially my grandparents. Their view on many things differ so much from my own but they are two people I love and respect very much, and being around them makes me feel safe and loved. They are two of the most loving and giving people i've ever known. I feel so badly that i've neglected them.

Spark Day Two!

I am happy to say that day two following Spark is going really well. It's an adjustment coming from Weight Watchers, because they give you a RANGE of values to aim within. But it's making me more aware of what i'm putting in my mouth. And hey - whatever it takes, right?

I've never been so aware of all the sodium and carbohydrates i'm consuming. Or the lack of protein for that matter. I think this will teach me a more healthful way of planning meals and making choices.

I've had a really bad couple of days emotionally because of work. I'm just very frustrated. I wake up in the morning and wish it was Saturday every morning. I hate wishing my life away!

I had a phone conversation with a friend last night who recently had a baby, and is trying to lose weight as well. It started out well, but I got pretty miffed when she started demanding reasons why I don't have a child or i'm not trying to get pregnant. I love her to death, but sometime's I just want to tell people who ask me those questions that it's none of their damn business!

The democratic presidential debates were on last night as well in Cleveland. I thought that might lift my spirits a bit (I enjoy keeping up with politics most of the time). It really just made me think that I might take my cousin Mike's idea of writing in Frank Zappa for the primaries! Or better yet - Stephen Colbert!

Today we had an ice cream social at work and I did really well. I brought a banana and ate that instead. When I saw the nutrition facts on the side of that half gallon of Graeter's it made mem think twice. I haven't snacked at ALL today either. I've listened to my body and drank lots of water and I really haven't been hungry! I'm proud of myself for that!

What working toward physical health has done for my mental health

A few months ago, I made the decision to talk to my primary care physician about referring me to a therapist of some sort to deal with some of the anxiety I had been experiencing. I have always been somewhat of an anxious person, but in the last year I have noticed a change. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was waking up after just a few hours of sleep having what I can only assume are panic attacks about work, about finances, about my insecurities, about an argument Chris and I may have had that day. My eating was really bad, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to find an ounce of will-power inside of me. I was tired ALL THE TIME. Most nights, I came home from work most nights with every intention of going to the gym and being productive, and most nights I would make some dinner (as quick and tasty as possible), and spend the rest of my night laying in bed watching TV, with the occasional trip to the computer to check email, read blogs or news. I realized after Thanksgiving that I needed to do something about it.

Alot of things in my life have contributed to this change in my anxiety levels. And without going into too much detail, at the risk of being found by someone I don't want to read this, a lot of things had changed in my life. My job had changed a lot. We had a lot of management changes, structural changes, and my boss resigned. All in the midst of the biggest and most stressful project I've ever worked on. I joined the board of the professional organization for which I belong. I began volunteering one night a week serving dinner to Cincinnati's homeless. And on top of it all, Chris was working even MORE as his deadlines had changed, and he was taking a very intense class.

In summary, I was just doing too much for everyone else, and not doing much of anything for myself.

I went to see my physician one night in December, after talking to a couple of friends about therapy. I wasn't sure where to start. I know that ADD, depression and anxiety-prone behavior are dominant on both sides of my family. It was a scary and completely raw emotional feeling for me. I wound up bawling in my doctor's office, telling him that I just wanted to talk to someone about healthier ways of dealing with stress and learning to let go of things that upset me. And then I felt completely stupid for having the breakdown. But that was exactly what I needed someone else to see, because I was becoming completely irrational - at least to myself, and I couldn't control my emotions in simple acts like explaining my feelings to someone.

I made a call to the therapist who he recommended. She called back and informed me that she doesn't accept any kind of insurance, and went over her prices with me, and offered to find another therapist for me that would take my insurance. I told her I'd think it over and call her back.

The holidays came and went. Life got busier, and I just put it off. Over Christmas I ate so poorly that I was sick from overconsumption. I hated myself for it, too. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. And that's when I decided I had to get serious, and find the will to take the time for myself to eat better, to exercise and to listen to my own body. A novel concept, right?

It's amazing to me what a difference treating myself with the respect that I treat everyone else around me has made. I have confidence again. I have energy. My emotions are in check. My husband isn't afraid to joke around with me or pay me a compliment in fear of upsetting me about something unexpectedly or that I might skew his comment. I'm sleeping so much better. I have a sense of humor again!

I was thinking about this today as I was at the gym, rocking the arc trainer. I have worked myself up to 25 minutes on the machine this week. When I tried it out last Thursday, I did 8 minutes on it, and thought I was going to die. I was enjoying my workout for the first time in a really long time. Chris tried really hard to tempt me to stay home today - it was REALLY cold outside - and he was content with hibernating all day. But I went because I wanted to go. And *I* was the one with all the energy.

And yes, i'm rambling. But I just want to share here that I just feel like i'm back. And back to stay. I wanted to write these thoughts to look back on when I'm having a day that reminds me of the last several months before I began working so hard on myself.

On tap for this week to do for myself:
A girls' night in Columbus on Friday.
A show on Wednesday night (hopefully it's not sold out already).
Lunch out (eating outside of my office with someone other than coworkers is HUGE for me) with my friend Sarah
Reading a new book - I haven't read in ages!