A GREAT Monday Night

So I skipped out on the gym tonight, because I was sore from the manual labor I did at work Saturday (YES, Saturday...all day!). but it was totally worth it. You can tell by the photo below of myself and Mr. Rashawn Ross - who is the coolest thing since sliced bread!

Feels Good to Exercise!!

I rocked the gym tonight. My great return after almost a month not going. I've used every excuse in the book, including exercising in other ways, but it was long past time for me to get back.

It was awesome. I wish I could remind myself of this every time I sit around dreading going there. And I especially hope I can remember this tomorrow night after sushi with my friends. I feel so good. I'm breathing easier, and that cheddar popcorn I had earlier isn't so bad anymore now that I've given myself the chance to work it off!

Hooray for the gym!

Reasons I love my Husband for this Morning

1. He went out and bought new wiper blades for my car and installed them in the pouring rain last night.

2. He's my biggest cheerleader, and pushes me to believe in myself.

3. He told me this morning he had a dream we were having a baby, and it is still making me smile!

4. He's supportive and thoughtful and the nicest person I have ever met.

5. He talks in the funniest voice to our dog and it just melts me!

Don't give up on me, i'm trying!

I'm going to take a hiatus for a few days, because i'll be traveling this weekend for work.

But i'll be back Monday. And I'll be positive and ready to go. I promise. I can't beat myself up every day anymore! Please hang in there with me.

Somehow knowing that people are reading this is encouragement. It keeps me accountable, and it keeps me going on this journey. And I really appreciate the comments, the insight and the kind words when I get them!

I had a good day today. And I am not talking about eating. I sent off a BIG concept presentation today. I got to go to IKEA. I had a good board meeting tonight and saw a friend passing by tonight whom I just adore - and who always just knows how to make me feel good about myself by just smiling at me!

I have such a little girl crush on this guy (that my husband knows about). I am excited for Chris and I to get to know him more - hopefully soon. I'm still working up the nerve to ask he and his partner out for dinner sometime - even though in his last email to me, he signed off "I adore you," so I think he'd probably enjoy the company, too. Here's to new friends!!

What working toward physical health has done for my mental health

A few months ago, I made the decision to talk to my primary care physician about referring me to a therapist of some sort to deal with some of the anxiety I had been experiencing. I have always been somewhat of an anxious person, but in the last year I have noticed a change. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was waking up after just a few hours of sleep having what I can only assume are panic attacks about work, about finances, about my insecurities, about an argument Chris and I may have had that day. My eating was really bad, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to find an ounce of will-power inside of me. I was tired ALL THE TIME. Most nights, I came home from work most nights with every intention of going to the gym and being productive, and most nights I would make some dinner (as quick and tasty as possible), and spend the rest of my night laying in bed watching TV, with the occasional trip to the computer to check email, read blogs or news. I realized after Thanksgiving that I needed to do something about it.

Alot of things in my life have contributed to this change in my anxiety levels. And without going into too much detail, at the risk of being found by someone I don't want to read this, a lot of things had changed in my life. My job had changed a lot. We had a lot of management changes, structural changes, and my boss resigned. All in the midst of the biggest and most stressful project I've ever worked on. I joined the board of the professional organization for which I belong. I began volunteering one night a week serving dinner to Cincinnati's homeless. And on top of it all, Chris was working even MORE as his deadlines had changed, and he was taking a very intense class.

In summary, I was just doing too much for everyone else, and not doing much of anything for myself.

I went to see my physician one night in December, after talking to a couple of friends about therapy. I wasn't sure where to start. I know that ADD, depression and anxiety-prone behavior are dominant on both sides of my family. It was a scary and completely raw emotional feeling for me. I wound up bawling in my doctor's office, telling him that I just wanted to talk to someone about healthier ways of dealing with stress and learning to let go of things that upset me. And then I felt completely stupid for having the breakdown. But that was exactly what I needed someone else to see, because I was becoming completely irrational - at least to myself, and I couldn't control my emotions in simple acts like explaining my feelings to someone.

I made a call to the therapist who he recommended. She called back and informed me that she doesn't accept any kind of insurance, and went over her prices with me, and offered to find another therapist for me that would take my insurance. I told her I'd think it over and call her back.

The holidays came and went. Life got busier, and I just put it off. Over Christmas I ate so poorly that I was sick from overconsumption. I hated myself for it, too. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. And that's when I decided I had to get serious, and find the will to take the time for myself to eat better, to exercise and to listen to my own body. A novel concept, right?

It's amazing to me what a difference treating myself with the respect that I treat everyone else around me has made. I have confidence again. I have energy. My emotions are in check. My husband isn't afraid to joke around with me or pay me a compliment in fear of upsetting me about something unexpectedly or that I might skew his comment. I'm sleeping so much better. I have a sense of humor again!

I was thinking about this today as I was at the gym, rocking the arc trainer. I have worked myself up to 25 minutes on the machine this week. When I tried it out last Thursday, I did 8 minutes on it, and thought I was going to die. I was enjoying my workout for the first time in a really long time. Chris tried really hard to tempt me to stay home today - it was REALLY cold outside - and he was content with hibernating all day. But I went because I wanted to go. And *I* was the one with all the energy.

And yes, i'm rambling. But I just want to share here that I just feel like i'm back. And back to stay. I wanted to write these thoughts to look back on when I'm having a day that reminds me of the last several months before I began working so hard on myself.

On tap for this week to do for myself:
A girls' night in Columbus on Friday.
A show on Wednesday night (hopefully it's not sold out already).
Lunch out (eating outside of my office with someone other than coworkers is HUGE for me) with my friend Sarah
Reading a new book - I haven't read in ages!

Seriously?

Well first of all, I rocked the gym tonight. I tried out a new machine tonight. It was a cross training machine, but also like an elliptical, but the elevation changed. I'm not sure what the industry term was for it. I lasted 10 minutes on it, but it's the hardest 10 minutes i've worked out in a month! Of course, I spent my usual 30 on the elliptical and did lower body weights for 20 minutes.

Back to the point of this blog entry: there was a woman on a machine next to me talking on her cell phone. She must have felt me glaring at her. I couldn't help but be resentful of her. She's working out, talking about how to get her kids to daycare tomorrow and gabbing away with god knows who. And I just wanted to say "This is MY time. Please don't annoy me with your drama and your loud voice!"

I did good on food today. Just about 100 calories over my daily limit, but the gym definitely makes up for it. For now, i'm going to spend some time reading a new book and try to stay awake just a little while longer.

When something feels different

A small win for me occurred this morning, and I had to share.

So I have this really gorgeous silk sweater set from Ann Taylor (size XL) that was handed down to me from a neighbor who claims it was "too big in the shoulders" for her. So yeah, she gave me her fat clothes, but whatever. It's really pretty, really comfortable, and it was more money than I would have spent on it, i'm sure.

I decided to wear it to work today. It's never been uncomfortable to wear. It's got quite a bit of give to it. But this morning, I put the shell of it on, and it felt different. It's the first article of clothing I have put on where I've felt a difference this month.

What a GOOD feeling. And what good motivation to keep going!

I'm planning to try on the Old Navy jeans later tonight that I bought after Christmas. I didn't try them on because they were a different color, but the same size and cut as a pair I bought after Thanksgiving that were fitting me perfectly. So I walked in there, saw a sale on jeans, and picked out size 16 in "the sweetheart" cut and took them home.

Well these puppies were SKIN tight on me on December 27th. And instead of taking them back, I made a vow to get into them. I think i'm going to try them on later tonight and see where i'm at. In other news, I AM noticing a difference today, also, in the size 16 grey slacks I bought the same night I bought those jeans. So different, in fact, that in another month, I may need to buy new pants altogether!

A New 'Do!

My sister in law asked me to come to her salon to model for their newest brochure. She wanted to cut, color and straighten my hair and do before and after photos. Here's the iSight photo I just took. I'm quite happy with it!



It was just the pick me up I needed! I know it's only six pounds, but I am seeing the weight coming off of my face, which is very good!!

This is also the cut I've been trying to get for a good year. Somehow my hair dresser (whom I love) never seems to angle it as drastically as I'd like. Jennifer hit the nail on the head. And I LOVE the color. It's got a rich red tint to it in the sunlight.

Sometimes a little pampering is all I need to make my outlook better! I need to remember this!

It's gorgeous outside today. Sunny and 45. Which is gorgeous in comparison to the weather we've been having. I'm going to go convince Chris to drop what he's doing so we can walk the dog and enjoy the daylight that's left!