Merging Two into One

I've decided to go back to one blog, because I can't keep up with them both. From now on, you can find me here. It won't just be talk about eating. It'll be life in general. Follow me there if you care to - I'd like to keep it more simple for everyone!

Baby Steps (again)

My inspiration from vacation was short-lived. My transition back to work was completely brutal, and I've never been so frustrated in a working situation in my life.

I wake up most days feeling like i'm grabbing for something - but I don't know what. I can't keep a handle on work, and when I get home, I'm exhausted, and feel like i've been neglecting alot of things, including my husband, my house, and some of my friends and family.

One thing I have been doing is making an effort to take care of myself. I haven't been so good about planning my meals, but when I do eat them (and I'm really not snacking!), I am making good choices. I went to the gym Sunday and Monday night, and i am going back tonight -- i'm dressed and ready to go.

It's been a long time since i've put myself first, and i'm so fortunate that Chris has really pushed and supported that. He's picked up a lot of my slack. He's hugged me when I needed it, and he's been there to reassure me when i've woken up in a fit of tears and rage.

I'm taking it one day at a time, but trying my best to approach it while looking out for myself!

The week STARTED well...

...and it ended on a low note!

I did so well all week with eating. I was walking the dog every day, and hardly even snacking or feeling hungry because I was too busy to think about it. I even managed to find time to plan out my lunches so I was staying on track.

And then the weekend rolled around. It started Friday night when I suggested we get soft serve ice cream. Then Saturday, after our street sale (and I managed to say "no" to hotdogs, doughnuts and lemonde!) we had our street party. I had a bratwurst. And a cookie (it was vegan, but it was still very much a fattening thing! And some heavenly granny smith apple salad with snickers and coolwhip mixed in. It wasn't awful, since I hadn't eaten much all day. But then my neighbor brought out a carton of strawberry whoppers, and a carton of chocolate whoppers. And I proceeded to eat them and eat them and eat them. Sunday, too. Only Sunday i finished off two bowls of that apple salad in addition and then ate my way around the local Greek Festival.

*SIGH* I don't know how this happens to me. And I was even thinking while I was doing it how mad at myself I would be.

But today's a new day! I weighed in today at the same weight as last week, thank goodness, and i've made solid choices today. I even told Chris he should take our friend Adam to the Reds' game so I could go work out.

Here's to another week of staying on target and remaining that way!

Oh Excercise, I Miss You!

Life continues to be crazy, and this week is no different.

My eating really has been okay this week. I probably haven't had nearly enough vegetables, but I'm drinking lots of water and not snacking carelessly between meals. I've packed my lunch and planned my dinners except for yesterday - when I left my purse at home and begged Chris to meet me to take me out to lunch. Even then, I had turkey and cheddar on wheat with a side of fruit salad - not bad!

I haven't had the time to exercise AGAIN this week, except for my morning walks with the dog. I've been busy trying to get my house under control. It's a total mess, and we're having a party here on Saturday...kind of all day, starting with our Garage sale in the morning.

I really don't think i'll get to the gym before Sunday...does cleaning and laundry count for exercise! There just aren't enough hours in the day!

On Self-Control

I've been thinking alot lately about self-control and about willpower.

I have such a hard time willing myself to eat healthy and exercise, and an even harder time with willing myself to stick with it.

In every other aspect of my life i've always held back. I've always been afraid of losing control, but somehow it's food that i find the most comfort in letting myself go completely.

I come from a family of drinkers. I hesitate to say alcoholics, mostly because I'm probably not ready to admit that. But I knew at a very early age that I never wanted to need to drink like my parents and sibling and so many others in my family do. Don't get me wrong, I like a cold beer, a really dry glass of wine, and the occasional margarita or martini. But even in my most comfortable of situations, I rarely let myself get drunk. My husband can probably count those times on one hand in 6 years of being together. These addictive tendencies are hereditary though, right?

When I was still single, I held back tremendously with those I dated. With sex, with commitment in some aspects and with really letting people "in."

I was never one to experiment with drugs much (and hey - i went to art school and lots of phish and DMB shows!). I never got wild and went to parties. But food -- food was always there, and I have always been willing to let loose and find comfort in that. When I have a bad day at work, I have always turned to food instead of hobbies, exercise, entertainment, or even a beer.

It's just something interesting i've been mulling over about myself. I think that in the six years that i've been with my husband, I've really changed in a lot of ways. I was a total introvert in so many situations. I was afraid to do alot of things alone, though my stubbornness never let that side of myself show too much. He's brought me out of my shell in a lot of ways, and the funny part is that he's a pretty introspective person himself.

I don't hold back anymore on things so much out of fear, but by choice, and I'm hoping that as my own self continues this evolution, I'll continue to find ways to channel my comfort needs into other things, and to control my urges where food is concerned. I know that a big part of this journey is about recognizing my own behaviors and learning to change them. And I think this is a good start.

When it rains it pours!

Somehow when I try to start fresh on my eating, I have the worst most stressful days. I don't get it.

Yesterday was a doozie, and today's not starting out any better.

I stayed on track yesterday, save for some Pita chips that I shouldn't have eaten, but I didn't get to eat my lunch yesterday because work was so busy.

Today, i'm already on track for doing the same. And on top of it, I have to hire a new temp because my current temp help found another job, thinking we wouldn't need her any longer (but not bothering to ask me, of course!). Ugh.

So frustrated today!

WOW!

I am back from one of the most fantastic experiences of my professional career in Omaha, and my wonderful, sweet and thoughtful husband took me to see Sex and the City, which he knew I wanted so badly to see.

What a rollercoaster. I LOVE LOVE LOVED this movie. I was still crying 20 minutes AFTER the movie ended. It's just really resonating with me.

What did everyone else think? I'm dying to dish, but I won't ruin it for anyone. I love those girls (and Jennifer Hudson, too!).

Oh Yeah...Funny Story!

Last Friday night I went out with friends for happy hour as I waited for my friend Chelsea to get into town from Salt Lake City.

When she arrived, I was still at the bar, so she came to meet me. We walked over to a nearby restaurant in hopes of finding some food. It was pretty late - 11pm, but Chelsea was still on SLC time and hadn't had dinner.

We walked in, and of course the kitchen had closed at 10:30. So we sat down and had a drink and caught up. We were laughing and having a good time. And we also got into some very serious conversation on marriage.

And in walks Craig. The fella I mentioned last week that made me so angry because he wouldn't acknowledge me. And he did the same thing all over again. But this time it made me laugh. Uncontrollably. He is stupid, and immature, and I just don't care. And maybe it was that i'd had a couple of drinks, but I felt good about myself, and I didn't care that we were the ONLY other people in the bar besides him and his friends and he pretended not to know me.

Just thought i'd share. This world we live in is too small sometimes!

When I Feel Invisible

I don't mean for this to seem like a downer of a post - but it really might. I'm honestly just pretty angry.

Long backstory short (sorta): I had a friend in high school. My best friend. She was an exchange student from Indonesia. We don't talk anymore. She literally dropped off the face of the earth, stopped returning my calls, etc. We were friends as she moved to Honolulu, then to Pittsburgh, and right around the time I got married she stopped returning phone calls for no reason at all. Last I heard from her host family, she was in Texas somewhere, and wouldn't return their calls either. And I realize she wasn't really a friend. She was just always out for herself. It took me a long time to realize that, and not think it was something I did.

Anyway, she had a boyfriend in high school/early college. He and I became buddies too. She broke his heart, much like she broke mine, just after about 3 years, instead of 8. Well he's worked in restaurants in town for the last 5 or so years, and I've seen him out and he's been super weird with me, but we have talked in the past, though briefly.

Tonight I went for drinks at a swanky new(er) restaurant downtown with two girlfriends. And he totally ignored me. Pretended he didn't know me. I caught him looking at me more than 3 or 4 times, and he'd turn his head quickly. What's the deal?

Nothing inside of me could make myself walk up to that bar he was tending, or call out his name as he walked by to clear the table next to mine. Something in me just feels invisible when stuff like this happens, and I get so insecure about being "the fat girl."

I HATE it.

And I'm ANGRY. But not at myself - so that's real progress. I don't understand people who can pretend not to know someone they were friends with. And I know he was very hurt by my former friend, but that wasn't my fault. She hurt me, too.

Just...UGH!

Reasons I love my Husband for this Morning

1. He went out and bought new wiper blades for my car and installed them in the pouring rain last night.

2. He's my biggest cheerleader, and pushes me to believe in myself.

3. He told me this morning he had a dream we were having a baby, and it is still making me smile!

4. He's supportive and thoughtful and the nicest person I have ever met.

5. He talks in the funniest voice to our dog and it just melts me!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

Food for Thought

This has been floating around several blogs lately and has the potential to give you some insight about why you eat when/what you do. Just some food for thought...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
Anything with cheese or chocolate.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Evenings mostly. When I have down time, or am just too busy to really think about what's going in my mouth, and too tired to really put forth the effort.

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Many times i'm upset or angry. Or i'm just exhausted from the amount of energy it requires to portion and make good choices. I often find myself with a very "fuck it" kind of attitude, and think "just a little more of this (insert item I shouldn't be eating here) won't hurt for just one day." Then it just keeps spiraling, unfortunately.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I don't think I have a binge eating disorder, but I do think I have an addiction. Addictions run in my family with alcohol and tobacco. I've managed to avoid those two addictions, but food is what I replace it with.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?
I don't want it to sound like I blame my parents for my weight, because I don't. But I believe it all started when we moved into the house I mostly grew up in. We had lots of space with a private drive, but nobody to play with. My brother and I have always been so different that playing with him was never the most attractive option. I could never ride my bike to a friends' house. I was never allowed to take a walk alone, and it was rare that my Mom would go with me. So my childhood experience really lacked the means to get myself in an active lifestyle. I opted instead to read so much that my Mother would FORCE me outside to play, or watch TV whenever my parents weren't home, or whenever I was otherwise allowed (which is alot).

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
I really can only blame myself. I make the choice to put foods in my mouth. I make the choice to skip the gym, or go out to lunch when I should eat what i've packed.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I'm lazy. I always have been. And we were kind of poor when I was a kid, and I never took to vegetables because we always had things like corn or peas out of a can or frozen from a bag. They only way my Mom could ever get me to really want to eat them was in a cream sauce or in a cheese sauce. I am only now beginning to like vegetables - because i buy and use them fresh.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Usually. I always played sports. And i really have made an effort to work out at a gym since college. It's just not always part of my regular routine.

10. What made you finally want to change?
I'm not sure I fully have changed. I have a long way to go. I'm tired of looking around and wondering if i'm the fat girl in the room. I'm tired of shopping and never even trying on what i'd REALLY like to wear because I know it won't look good, or worse, it doesn't even come in my size. I'm tired of the cracks people make - perfect strangers - if I unintentionally upset someone while driving and I hear them yell "you fat (insert expletives here)" like I heard from mean mean kids growing up.
More importantly, I want to have children, and I don't want my children to struggle with this problem. I want to have healthy pregnancies, and I want my children to learn how to balance exercise and nutrition so they don't make the mistakes I did!

Joining The Veggie Parade?

I've been seriously seriously considering removing meat from my diet.

I've really worked hard in the last couple of years to buy meat from local sources at the farmer's market to lower the environmental impact and strive to buy things that are hormone free and locally raised. I concentrate my purchases mostly on an amish poultry stand, as well as a butcher that smokes its' own pork products.

Now, I really do like the taste of meat. Particularly bacon, ham and chicken. I like tofu, beans and other forms of protein, but the meat subsitutes just don't do it for me, even though I can do seitan in chili!

These days when I look at meat or eat it, i'm getting really grossed out, and I think of all the energy that went into what i'm eating.

I'm so conflicted about it.

I know that I will get a LOT of guff from my family, but mostly from Chris' family, if I remove meat from my diet. They already think i'm some kind of crazy liberal anyhow. His grandma will flip out. I know it. They already have a hard enough time with me not eating red meat.

And then I think of the things I can't eat if I limit myself that way. I know it would probably benefit my health in so many ways, but I also know how much of my own social life and family life in which that will limit me.

Decisions, Decisions!

Things on the Horizon

I realize i'm pretty elusive when it comes to things in my life about work, goals, kids, etc on this blog. I wish I could share more of what I've got going on sometimes, but I'm so afraid of who might stumble across the thing. Family, coworkers, etc. I don't have my last name attached to this blog, and when I google myself, my blogs don't come up like my original blog did, which i retired a couple of years ago now.

I wonder if there's any sort of way to protect myself. I guess I can password protect the site. But that's no fun, either. I love finding out there's someone new reading along.

I guess if something really BIG happens, i'll announce it here, but until then, i'll continue to be a bit indirect. ;)