A Short Break

I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for the last week. Long story short: I had some blood work done last week, and am awaiting the results of some tests that could reveal alot of things about me, particularly some of my weight issues, but we'll see.

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. And no matter how it all turns out, I think this may be the kick I needed to take care of myself!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

The Good and The Bad

I guess i'll start with the bad here, so I can end on the good!

I had grand plans to go to the gym this morning. I went to bed at 10pm, set my alarm for 5:20, had my gym clothes ON, my ipod, shoes, glasses and water bottle set out and ready to go. And this morning at 5:20 am? I reset my alarm for 7 am. I guess i'll be going tonight instead!

I can say that the good part is the reason for the bad though!

I have a new cousin! And my phone started ringing off the hook at home, and the text messages were flying from 11pm - 1am. My youngest uncle who is only four years older than me (he's younger than Chris!), and his wife Bridget had their second child last night. Their first will be two in July (Eddie). So they really are going to have their hands full!

The reason our phone rang off the hook is that everybody in the family (my aunt, my grandma, my brother and my uncle) all wanted us to know that they named him William Henry - after my Dad! At first it made me a little upset. Chris and I have talked a lot about naming a son William someday. My Dad sure has been a big influence in my life. But they sure did beat us to it! And I'm really really happy that my Dad has this honor. My uncle actually texted me to say that he hoped I wasn't mad at him for the name. I couldn't be happier though!

A Breakdown

I had a breakdown at work already this morning (yes, it's 8:30 and i've been here since 7am for the third time this week!).

I got an email from my Aunt asking me how I've been. She said she had breakfast with my grandparents yesterday and they were all really worried about me because I haven't really been around since Christmas.

It immediately made me burst into tears at my desk. My job is literally sucking the life out of me. I feel so trapped.

I am a person who ADORES her family. Especially my grandparents. Their view on many things differ so much from my own but they are two people I love and respect very much, and being around them makes me feel safe and loved. They are two of the most loving and giving people i've ever known. I feel so badly that i've neglected them.

Must Be Late Winter Blahs?

I don't know what's happening with me! All the momentum from the last couple of weeks has just gone down the toilet.

It all started yesterday. I went to Target. I hate a huge chocolate craving. I bought a bag of Hershey's Eggs (the ones with the pastel candy shell - i heart them!). I brought them back to the office to share for a "decadent treat," as my coworker calls it. I promised myself the 8-piece 180 calorie serving would be it.

Two handfuls later...I thought "what the hell am I doing?

On the way home in the snow I stopped for lunch. Traffic was bumper to bumper and I was starving. I got some Tofu Thai Spicy at a thai place I usually don't go to. It was the greasiest thing I've eaten in months! Then I went across the street to the grocery store where I bought some kind of "Kajun Crab Dip." You know it's going to be fattening when they can't even spell the words right! I bought frozen pizza. I bought Cocoa pebbles. Oh yeah. And I bought a Heath bar.

What is wrong with me!?

I ate the Heath bar. I had two bowls of Cocoa Pebbles for dinner. And some of that "Kajun" delight on wheat thins. Sounds like a gourmet meal right?

And now I'm supposed to go to the neighbor's for girls night where I just found out my neighbor has prepared three kinds of desserts and bought wine.

I really don't know how I got here today. And all I can say is that I need to get to the gym tomorrow and stick to good habits. I just hope we don't get 8 more inches of snow on top of the 4-5 we already have like is forecasted for tonight.

That's the only excuse I've got. Winter Blahs!

Getting back into eating...

This is truly strange for me, but I haven't had an appetite in over three days because of being under the weather. I did get to the doctor last night, and have a double whammy: flu AND bronchitis.

I stepped on the scale this morning out of curiosity to see what my weight might be, because i've basically been on a liquid diet since Monday. I've lost 7 pounds since Monday. SEVEN. And i'm not proud of that.

Anyway, I still just don't have an appetite. Nothing sounds good, even though i'm feeling a lot better today. I know it will come back - but I MISS eating. And part of me is scared to start eating again, for fear that i'll be sick to my stomach all over again.

Sounds like a romantic Valentine's Day is on the horizon for me, eh?

Rejection Letter Two Came Today.

Ugh. I feel like a loser!

Gym, here I come!

(updated 9:32pm)
So sorry to all of you for the bummer post. I didn't make it to the gym afterall. We're in the middle of a nasty storm. I burned plenty of calories cleaning though. I cleaned the entire fridge, inside and out, did some laundry, and swiffered all the hardwood. And I made *the* most amazing asparagus lasagne for dinner. Holy wow. I can't wait for the leftovers tomorrow.

Hooray for turning what could have been a mopey night into something productive!

Scratch that - Week 4

The moment came this morning. I stepped on the scale with a wince in my eyes to find another two pound loss this week! That's 8 pounds in four weeks.

Thank God for small favors. What a great pick me up. It motivates me even more to stay on track this week.

My goal for this week is to find a way to change up my workout a bit. I find myself very very bored when I go to the gym. I listen to good music, but I have trouble reading, because i find that it slows me down on the cardio machines. I think maybe I need to incorporate a class or try a new machine to help with the boredom.

Feeling Down Today

I got a rejection letter in the mail yesterday for an opportunity I had really been hopeful and excited for. It's really got me very down on myself and down on the world today.

I can't help it. Nobody likes being rejected.

I'm going to head to the gym anyway. My crampy, tired body would rather lay in bed watching TV, but I need to direct my emotions into something else. So I'm going to give it a shot!

The "New" Gym

So I joined a new gym on Monday night. And today I just may cancel the membership. I'm so angry.

I decided to pay up front for the year. It was much cheaper to do it that way, and i'm only in a one-year contract, rather than a two year contract like I would be if I had gone month to month.

As of today, they have charged my check card FIVE TIMES for this membership. About $2300 in charges, when it should have been $465. I'm so irate. And their manager won't seem to call me back. Something is shady.

I can dispute the charges with my bank, but it will take time.

My home computer is on the fritz, too, and it sounds like we should just buy a new computer, because the repair costs fall just shy of a brand new imac.

I can't catch a break, financially, these days. We've been trying so hard to save and to pay off debt, and stuff like this is really sucking us dry. HELP!

Thanks for the Encouragement!

Wow!

I'm really excited about the response and support. I look forward to getting to know everyone, and I'm sure this is really going to help me.

My meeting for tonight just got cancelled, which is good on the diet front because I won't have to resist tempation. Now I just need to figure out what I can have for dinner. I think a trip to the grocery store is in order. I'm out of some essentials anyhow.

Today's been pretty good. I had a WW bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, and rice with chicken and salsa for lunch. I just allowed myself an afternoon snack: organic instant oatmeal with a banana mashed in. YUM. It's one of my favorite treats.

I also just realized I can work out tonight. I'm debating on what to do because i'm still very sore from Pilates on Sunday night. Maybe I'll go back to the gym for some cardio and leg weights. Or maybe i'll just walk the dog for an hour. It's so warm outside!

Now i need to scour the web for some dinner recipe ideas!