STARTING NOW!

I'm participating in Krissie's 10 Day Challenge. Here's what I've promised to challenge myself with:

I've been thinking about this all day. I think it's a great challenge.

I think the hardest thing for me these days is taking time for myself. And I know if I did that, I'd eat better, sleep more, and exercise.

So that's what i'm vowing for the next 10 days: Taking Care of myself!

I will post each day on how i'm doing that - STARTING TODAY!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

Who Doesn't LOVE Free Stuff?

Scale Junkie is giving away a free bike. Check it out. I entered myself today. HOORAY!

Okay, WHY am I hungry again?

I went out to lunch today. I had a grilled chicken skewer with rice pilaf, a salad and hummus and pita bread. I felt satisfied when I left there at 12:45. An hour later i'm feeling hungry again.

Time to hit the water, i think. But I need to hold off on snacking for at least another hour!

I'm sure it's just my body readjusting to eating like crap for the last two days. But man, does this stink!

A Bad BAD Eating Day.

I've eaten alot of crap today. Lots of chocolate, and even McDonalds. Chips, regular coke. Ugh.

I can't help it. I'm an emotional eater. We've had quite the day. Chris' grandparents' house caught on fire around 1:30 today, and they lost almost everything. There were a few things salvaged from the first floor (where his brother lives with his kids). But even worse, at this point the firefighters suspect arson. But the good news is that everyone is okay!

I've never seen anything like what I saw today.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day food wise. And obviously, a better day all around for the family.

Food for Thought

This has been floating around several blogs lately and has the potential to give you some insight about why you eat when/what you do. Just some food for thought...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
Anything with cheese or chocolate.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Evenings mostly. When I have down time, or am just too busy to really think about what's going in my mouth, and too tired to really put forth the effort.

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Many times i'm upset or angry. Or i'm just exhausted from the amount of energy it requires to portion and make good choices. I often find myself with a very "fuck it" kind of attitude, and think "just a little more of this (insert item I shouldn't be eating here) won't hurt for just one day." Then it just keeps spiraling, unfortunately.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I don't think I have a binge eating disorder, but I do think I have an addiction. Addictions run in my family with alcohol and tobacco. I've managed to avoid those two addictions, but food is what I replace it with.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?
I don't want it to sound like I blame my parents for my weight, because I don't. But I believe it all started when we moved into the house I mostly grew up in. We had lots of space with a private drive, but nobody to play with. My brother and I have always been so different that playing with him was never the most attractive option. I could never ride my bike to a friends' house. I was never allowed to take a walk alone, and it was rare that my Mom would go with me. So my childhood experience really lacked the means to get myself in an active lifestyle. I opted instead to read so much that my Mother would FORCE me outside to play, or watch TV whenever my parents weren't home, or whenever I was otherwise allowed (which is alot).

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
I really can only blame myself. I make the choice to put foods in my mouth. I make the choice to skip the gym, or go out to lunch when I should eat what i've packed.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I'm lazy. I always have been. And we were kind of poor when I was a kid, and I never took to vegetables because we always had things like corn or peas out of a can or frozen from a bag. They only way my Mom could ever get me to really want to eat them was in a cream sauce or in a cheese sauce. I am only now beginning to like vegetables - because i buy and use them fresh.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Usually. I always played sports. And i really have made an effort to work out at a gym since college. It's just not always part of my regular routine.

10. What made you finally want to change?
I'm not sure I fully have changed. I have a long way to go. I'm tired of looking around and wondering if i'm the fat girl in the room. I'm tired of shopping and never even trying on what i'd REALLY like to wear because I know it won't look good, or worse, it doesn't even come in my size. I'm tired of the cracks people make - perfect strangers - if I unintentionally upset someone while driving and I hear them yell "you fat (insert expletives here)" like I heard from mean mean kids growing up.
More importantly, I want to have children, and I don't want my children to struggle with this problem. I want to have healthy pregnancies, and I want my children to learn how to balance exercise and nutrition so they don't make the mistakes I did!

Joining The Veggie Parade?

I've been seriously seriously considering removing meat from my diet.

I've really worked hard in the last couple of years to buy meat from local sources at the farmer's market to lower the environmental impact and strive to buy things that are hormone free and locally raised. I concentrate my purchases mostly on an amish poultry stand, as well as a butcher that smokes its' own pork products.

Now, I really do like the taste of meat. Particularly bacon, ham and chicken. I like tofu, beans and other forms of protein, but the meat subsitutes just don't do it for me, even though I can do seitan in chili!

These days when I look at meat or eat it, i'm getting really grossed out, and I think of all the energy that went into what i'm eating.

I'm so conflicted about it.

I know that I will get a LOT of guff from my family, but mostly from Chris' family, if I remove meat from my diet. They already think i'm some kind of crazy liberal anyhow. His grandma will flip out. I know it. They already have a hard enough time with me not eating red meat.

And then I think of the things I can't eat if I limit myself that way. I know it would probably benefit my health in so many ways, but I also know how much of my own social life and family life in which that will limit me.

Decisions, Decisions!