Oh Yeah...Funny Story!

Last Friday night I went out with friends for happy hour as I waited for my friend Chelsea to get into town from Salt Lake City.

When she arrived, I was still at the bar, so she came to meet me. We walked over to a nearby restaurant in hopes of finding some food. It was pretty late - 11pm, but Chelsea was still on SLC time and hadn't had dinner.

We walked in, and of course the kitchen had closed at 10:30. So we sat down and had a drink and caught up. We were laughing and having a good time. And we also got into some very serious conversation on marriage.

And in walks Craig. The fella I mentioned last week that made me so angry because he wouldn't acknowledge me. And he did the same thing all over again. But this time it made me laugh. Uncontrollably. He is stupid, and immature, and I just don't care. And maybe it was that i'd had a couple of drinks, but I felt good about myself, and I didn't care that we were the ONLY other people in the bar besides him and his friends and he pretended not to know me.

Just thought i'd share. This world we live in is too small sometimes!

Somewhere in Middle America

Well I'm headed to Omaha for a conference tonight after work until Sunday afternoon.

I've been MIA because i've been taking some time for myself, just like I promised in the 10-day challenge!

I'll be back on Monday!

When I Feel Invisible

I don't mean for this to seem like a downer of a post - but it really might. I'm honestly just pretty angry.

Long backstory short (sorta): I had a friend in high school. My best friend. She was an exchange student from Indonesia. We don't talk anymore. She literally dropped off the face of the earth, stopped returning my calls, etc. We were friends as she moved to Honolulu, then to Pittsburgh, and right around the time I got married she stopped returning phone calls for no reason at all. Last I heard from her host family, she was in Texas somewhere, and wouldn't return their calls either. And I realize she wasn't really a friend. She was just always out for herself. It took me a long time to realize that, and not think it was something I did.

Anyway, she had a boyfriend in high school/early college. He and I became buddies too. She broke his heart, much like she broke mine, just after about 3 years, instead of 8. Well he's worked in restaurants in town for the last 5 or so years, and I've seen him out and he's been super weird with me, but we have talked in the past, though briefly.

Tonight I went for drinks at a swanky new(er) restaurant downtown with two girlfriends. And he totally ignored me. Pretended he didn't know me. I caught him looking at me more than 3 or 4 times, and he'd turn his head quickly. What's the deal?

Nothing inside of me could make myself walk up to that bar he was tending, or call out his name as he walked by to clear the table next to mine. Something in me just feels invisible when stuff like this happens, and I get so insecure about being "the fat girl."

I HATE it.

And I'm ANGRY. But not at myself - so that's real progress. I don't understand people who can pretend not to know someone they were friends with. And I know he was very hurt by my former friend, but that wasn't my fault. She hurt me, too.

Just...UGH!

Reasons I love my Husband for this Morning

1. He went out and bought new wiper blades for my car and installed them in the pouring rain last night.

2. He's my biggest cheerleader, and pushes me to believe in myself.

3. He told me this morning he had a dream we were having a baby, and it is still making me smile!

4. He's supportive and thoughtful and the nicest person I have ever met.

5. He talks in the funniest voice to our dog and it just melts me!

Day 1: Taking Care of Myself

Yesterday, as most days seem to be, was crazy for me. After work I had several errands to run, including: picking up my new glasses (yay!), picking up milk and yogurt at the grocery store, figuring out dinner (I cheated and picked up a pizza - but we haven't had pizza since December!), and going to see Chris' grandparents. I was also supposed to design letterhead and #10 envelopes for my cousin's campaign for judge and make some edits on a web site that i'm designing with my friend Lisa (my very first!).

Well I was a total task master, and got it all done except for the site edits, which I just told Lisa i'd finish up tonight. We even stopped and got ice cream to take to Chris' grandparents. And yes, I indulged in that, too.

We got home around 9, and I was all done with everything on that list in under four hours. I was very proud. So from 9pm on - was ME time.

I took the time to lay out an outfit for myself today, and iron what I wanted to wear. And I feel fantastic today just wearing something that I feel GOOD in. I have an important meeting this afternoon, so I'm ready to tackle that. I also made myself a very GOOD lunch that's high in protein and veggies.

Then I laid down and read a book for a half hour. I never get to read anymore. It was fantastic!

Small steps, I know - but every little bit helps!

STARTING NOW!

I'm participating in Krissie's 10 Day Challenge. Here's what I've promised to challenge myself with:

I've been thinking about this all day. I think it's a great challenge.

I think the hardest thing for me these days is taking time for myself. And I know if I did that, I'd eat better, sleep more, and exercise.

So that's what i'm vowing for the next 10 days: Taking Care of myself!

I will post each day on how i'm doing that - STARTING TODAY!

HELP!

I need somebody to shake me and say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I really do.

My eating has spiraled out of any control this week. Yesterday, for example, since I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, I bought a carrot muffin and a starbucks for breakfast. I used half and half, rather than two percent.

I went to lunch at Potbelly, even though I brought a pefectly healthy home-cooked meal of stir fried tofu with fresh zucchini and jasmine rice with hoisin sauce. I got a sandwich with ham and pepperoni on it. PEPPERONI. Then I got chips. And after I ate that, I got one of their giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

For dinner, I took Chris' grandparents to Carrabas. They've really exhausted their choices since the fire, and they prefer to stay close to their hotel room, because Poppy is 96 and not the steadiest on his feet. I had Chicken Marsala with a Caesar Salad and ate about half of my garlic mashed potatoes.

Then on my way home, I stopped and got a pint of Chubby Hubby and ate about half of it.

I know this is all from stress, and that I just don't have the energy to think about what I'm putting in my mouth, but at this point, it really feels like i've given up. And I don't want to.

Who Doesn't LOVE Free Stuff?

Scale Junkie is giving away a free bike. Check it out. I entered myself today. HOORAY!

Okay, WHY am I hungry again?

I went out to lunch today. I had a grilled chicken skewer with rice pilaf, a salad and hummus and pita bread. I felt satisfied when I left there at 12:45. An hour later i'm feeling hungry again.

Time to hit the water, i think. But I need to hold off on snacking for at least another hour!

I'm sure it's just my body readjusting to eating like crap for the last two days. But man, does this stink!

A Bad BAD Eating Day.

I've eaten alot of crap today. Lots of chocolate, and even McDonalds. Chips, regular coke. Ugh.

I can't help it. I'm an emotional eater. We've had quite the day. Chris' grandparents' house caught on fire around 1:30 today, and they lost almost everything. There were a few things salvaged from the first floor (where his brother lives with his kids). But even worse, at this point the firefighters suspect arson. But the good news is that everyone is okay!

I've never seen anything like what I saw today.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day food wise. And obviously, a better day all around for the family.

Food for Thought

This has been floating around several blogs lately and has the potential to give you some insight about why you eat when/what you do. Just some food for thought...

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
Anything with cheese or chocolate.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Evenings mostly. When I have down time, or am just too busy to really think about what's going in my mouth, and too tired to really put forth the effort.

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Many times i'm upset or angry. Or i'm just exhausted from the amount of energy it requires to portion and make good choices. I often find myself with a very "fuck it" kind of attitude, and think "just a little more of this (insert item I shouldn't be eating here) won't hurt for just one day." Then it just keeps spiraling, unfortunately.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I don't think I have a binge eating disorder, but I do think I have an addiction. Addictions run in my family with alcohol and tobacco. I've managed to avoid those two addictions, but food is what I replace it with.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?
I don't want it to sound like I blame my parents for my weight, because I don't. But I believe it all started when we moved into the house I mostly grew up in. We had lots of space with a private drive, but nobody to play with. My brother and I have always been so different that playing with him was never the most attractive option. I could never ride my bike to a friends' house. I was never allowed to take a walk alone, and it was rare that my Mom would go with me. So my childhood experience really lacked the means to get myself in an active lifestyle. I opted instead to read so much that my Mother would FORCE me outside to play, or watch TV whenever my parents weren't home, or whenever I was otherwise allowed (which is alot).

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
I really can only blame myself. I make the choice to put foods in my mouth. I make the choice to skip the gym, or go out to lunch when I should eat what i've packed.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I'm lazy. I always have been. And we were kind of poor when I was a kid, and I never took to vegetables because we always had things like corn or peas out of a can or frozen from a bag. They only way my Mom could ever get me to really want to eat them was in a cream sauce or in a cheese sauce. I am only now beginning to like vegetables - because i buy and use them fresh.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Usually. I always played sports. And i really have made an effort to work out at a gym since college. It's just not always part of my regular routine.

10. What made you finally want to change?
I'm not sure I fully have changed. I have a long way to go. I'm tired of looking around and wondering if i'm the fat girl in the room. I'm tired of shopping and never even trying on what i'd REALLY like to wear because I know it won't look good, or worse, it doesn't even come in my size. I'm tired of the cracks people make - perfect strangers - if I unintentionally upset someone while driving and I hear them yell "you fat (insert expletives here)" like I heard from mean mean kids growing up.
More importantly, I want to have children, and I don't want my children to struggle with this problem. I want to have healthy pregnancies, and I want my children to learn how to balance exercise and nutrition so they don't make the mistakes I did!

Joining The Veggie Parade?

I've been seriously seriously considering removing meat from my diet.

I've really worked hard in the last couple of years to buy meat from local sources at the farmer's market to lower the environmental impact and strive to buy things that are hormone free and locally raised. I concentrate my purchases mostly on an amish poultry stand, as well as a butcher that smokes its' own pork products.

Now, I really do like the taste of meat. Particularly bacon, ham and chicken. I like tofu, beans and other forms of protein, but the meat subsitutes just don't do it for me, even though I can do seitan in chili!

These days when I look at meat or eat it, i'm getting really grossed out, and I think of all the energy that went into what i'm eating.

I'm so conflicted about it.

I know that I will get a LOT of guff from my family, but mostly from Chris' family, if I remove meat from my diet. They already think i'm some kind of crazy liberal anyhow. His grandma will flip out. I know it. They already have a hard enough time with me not eating red meat.

And then I think of the things I can't eat if I limit myself that way. I know it would probably benefit my health in so many ways, but I also know how much of my own social life and family life in which that will limit me.

Decisions, Decisions!